the complainist is available for doing in private what we do in public: careful scrutiny. We're much nicer about our notes when we're working with non-billionaires, so don't expect our analysis of your novel / short story / wikipedia entry about yourself to contain as many insults as our weekly diatribes. (Insults are available, of course, if you're just into that kind of thing.)
Rates will depend on the size of your project, the level of detail you need from us, and our own boredom. Prices go down when we don't have enough fun stuff to do.
For further correspondence please direct inquiries to email@example.com