Tuesday, September 24, 2013

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 20

Ana and Christian have boathouse sex and then go home for mild spanking and bed sex and then we get a pretty uninteresting revelation about Christian's past.

There is a bunch of sex but it isn't as gross as the end of Chapter 19 hinted it would be. 

Here we are! Chapter 20! The home stretch, I guess! Well. The home stretch of the first book, at least. Chapter 19 somehow managed to inspire my best-ever day of traffic, and my previous forays into non-50 Shades posts have made it clear that you only like me when riding EL's coattails. The combination of these two facts means that I'll eventually get to books 2 and 3, though I think I've earned a bit of a break and will not move immediately from this book to whatever the next one is called. I think it's Fifty Shades Into Darkness but I forget. Anyway- if you have any suggestions for things I ought to mock pointlessly (since that's my only real skill) do let me know. I would like to add some sort of non-EL project into the mix to serve as a break between books.

And thank you for telling your friends to read my little blog. You must have done so; I long ago gave up trying to do much of anything to add readers.

A dear friend let me know that there are, in fact, certain people who do not want to read my analysis. I share her story below, so that we might all learn from it. (Editor's note: she also mentioned that a security guard was fired from her workplace for watching pornography from his station, but I think that was more of an anecdote than a warning.)

And I learned another lesson about 20 minutes ago. Don't be stupid and forget that you are at St. Bernard Parish Hospital and that means the people here are a certain way. So when you see someone reading something on a kindle, dont get all excited cuz you were dumb and forgot where you worked CUZ BOOKS and then happily nose into their beeswax asking what they are reading cuz you love to know what people are reading cuz OBVIOUSLY they are reading fucking 50 Shades for the 2nd time cuz this is st bernard and they sold that book at the counter of Main's Grocery store, the ONLY BOOK EVER to be sold at that counter.  And stemming from that same lesson in not forgetting where you work, DO NOT THEN TELL THAT PERSON who is reading 50 Shades FOR THE SECOND TIME that your friend is writing a blog where he breaks down all of the ways in which that book is terrible. Because it is a dumb fucking thing to say, you idiot, cuz when a person reads in this parish, it is a BFD, and to read a thing TWICE is a VBFD, and mocking that thing makes that other person's face turn red as they make a face at you that clearly states you are an asshole and the conversation is over.

You guys have heard of St. Bernard Parish, right? The place next to New Orleans where they found brain-eating amoebas in the water supply? No? Well they did! But anyway, lesson learned. You know, I'm effectively reading this book twice, so I guess I can't really complain about anyone else reading it twice, either. So I'll save my worst insults for anyone who reads it three times. Or enjoys it once. 

Moving on!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 19

Ana and Christian eat dinner at Christian's family mansion.

Nothing real bad happens in this chapter, but its final moments suggest that some real bad stuff might go down next chapter. 

Hey so I watched Pacific Rim starring Charlie Hunnam, whom you will eventually know as "cinema's Christian Grey" and now I think he's fine for the job. He's still kind of too scruffy, but I'm sure Hollywood can descruff him or whatever, so I'll just assume that he cleans up ok and will look good in pants that hang "in that way" whatever that means. What changed my mind is the reminder about one of his tendencies as an actor, both in Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy, is to deliver what's supposed to be earnest wisdom in a way that just sounds patronizing and dumb. I can already imagine him telling Ana how beautiful and smart she is or whatever. Based on his previous work, he'll deliver the declaration like he's talking to a six-year-old who just got home after a hard day at school, which is more or less Christian Grey's style. So forgive me for doubting you, Charlie Hunnam. And forgive me, gentle reader, for acting like any of this matters at all. It does not.

Is this a still from Pacific Rim or a weird sex thing? I'll never tell!
This is my way of saying that, yes, EL, I am willing to do a quick punch-up on your script. You know where to find me. My fee? We'll work it out. Probably just a gift card or something.

Moving on! Let's meet the parents!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 18

Ana has an appointment with a gynecologist at Christian's house. She's prescribed birth control, and then Ana and Christian have sex-dungeon sex.

May contain sex-dungeon sex. 

We're getting close to the end, you know. I typed that, and then I looked down at my book and saw that Chapter 18 opens on page 314, meaning that we have 200 pages left, meaning that we're at about the 60% mark, meaning that we're not close enough to the end. I wish we were closer.

This project is some sort of awkward middle ground between writing and not writing. I basically haven't written anything besides this in 2013. Barely read anything besides this terrible book, either. I tell myself that there is an ebb and flow to this work but it's been all ebb for a long time. My problem is that I really only have the patience for writing jokes, I'm pretty sure. So what do you do if all you want to do is write jokes? Hang out on twitter? I guess. Hang out on twitter or make easy jokes about a terrible book. Hooray!

As a bit of a warm-up for this week's chapter, let's see if we can figure out how to cut the first 17 chapters into something more manageable. Let's think like an editor!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 17

Ana and Kate move to Seattle, then Ana goes to Christian's house. 

This chapter is a waste of everyone's time. 

EL announced some cast details for a dumb movie about her dumb book that I'll end up going to see probably because literally several people are counting on me to deal with this shit so that they never ever have to. (Editor's note: We'll put up some type of sponsorship deal where you can sponsor our ticket or all the booze we'll have to drink ahead of time to make it through two hours of Ana blushing. Because we're not paying for this thing ourselves. We're just not.)

Ana and Christian are going to be played by Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam in a film to be released in 2014, directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson. You may have seen Dakota Johnson in The Social Network, but I didn't because who cares. You will not know Sam Taylor-Johnson from anywhere. You may have seen Charlie Hunnam in lots of thing, but the only one to leave any impression on me is Sons of Anarchy. Here's my main impression: "This guy is great at playing a greasy motorcycle guy!" Here's an impression I never got from him: "He seems like a billionaire British vampire!" Although he was born in England, it turns out, so maybe he'll be ok? Whatever. For me, and all "true" "fans" of this mess, there can be but one Christian Grey, and his name is Sherlock Holmes Khan Julian Assange Benedict Cumberbatch. Whatever. I'm angry at myself for actually having an opinion about this, and I kind of do have an opinion about this! What's wrong with me? (Editor's note: Let's assume that was rhetorical.)

How about a little game!