Wednesday, March 26, 2014

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 7 part 2

So, my computer died. I'm using it again, to type this very sentence! So I guess it's undead now? A zombie? And my backup habits were poor. You might think, gentle reader, that we've reached the point where people just don't have poor backup habits anymore. The point where people don't even have to really have their shit together because they have machines to keep their shit together and they don't even have to think about it.

You'd be wrong, though. I feel dumber than you can possibly imagine. And yet, I still see this status update from somebody basically every week: "Lost my phone, guys, so can everybody please message me your number?" That is the only thing that keeps me feeling semi-sane about the fact that I had to restore my computer with a backup that was several months out of date. Months! Downright criminal. I'm only sharing this with you, gentle reader, and this is pretty personal stuff so please don't tell anyone. Got it? Thanks.

It couldn't have happened at a worst time, since now I'm taking this class that swears that I'm going to write a novel in 5 weeks. And maybe I will. What am I paying for, really? Pretty much I'm just paying to make sure that there's a group of strangers who will know if I don't write 1,200 words a day like I said I would. I'm paying for a shame-mechanism.

Which, to be fair, I think is worth it. I no longer have a shame-mechanism. It's not like I get desperate emails when I don't publish this on time. It's not like anyone knows whether I'm writing anything or not, or particularly cares. That must be some indication of the trouble I still have in my new, northwest life. I have to pay money so that strangers will ask me whether I'm doing any writing or not. I'm sorry. I'm in a terrible mood because of this computer thing? And for reasons general? And also because I just listened to George Saunders talk about writing and he's just a mutterblushing charmer and his thoughts on writing hit me at just the wrong time and now I feel like maybe I should just never write anything ever again. But then what would I do? I don't know! Netflix?

Is that enough of that? I suppose so. Let's rejoin our heroes. When last we saw them, Christian had just gotten finished buying Ana at an auction, and he was competing with some mystery man. Then they retreated to CG's childhood bedroom to do it. (Editor's note: by "it" we mean sex.) And there on his wall was a mystery photo of a mystery woman so we've got two mysteries! OMG WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE and also who cares.

And then, they return to the party.

But let's do that thing where we catch up all the way, shall we?

Our story thus far:


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 7 part 1

Ana gets auctioned off to her own boyfriend and then they have sex in his childhood room. Ana gets spanked but this time she kind of wants to be I guess? 

Guys: I didn't finish my homework.

That's pretty terrible, right? Not completing a task scheduled for completion at a certain time for arbitrary reasons? I do feel bad about it. I know there are literally seven or eight of you who probably noticed this delay and probably said to yourself "Huh," before figuring out some other thing to look at for five minutes while trying to ignore everybody else in the break-room or doctor's office or sex dungeon or wherever.

I decided on Tuesday as the publishing day because that's the day that new books come out and in my hubris I imagined one day being one of those people who'd have his name on a book on new-book Tuesday. But Monday is sort of my Friday so maybe I should just give up and move everything on over to Wednesday. Whaddaya think, Wednesday? Are you prepared to be the host of weekly five-thousand word screeds about terrible novels that the world has already basically forgotten about?

I'll wait and see if Wednesday gets back to me before making any decisions.

So where were we?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 6 part 2

Ana and Christian go to a charity auction and Ana buys a weekend at one of Christian's houses. 

Well. Mardi Gras was a fun opportunity for me to not think about this terrible book for a while, but that's all over now. We are into the Lenten season, and that means I have to like, give up my vices or whatever and buckle down and focus on the task at hand: getting through this terrible novel.

Expect fewer block-quotes because the website I was copying all the block-quotes from seems to have been shut down. It was convenient for me to copy and paste but I guess I can't really complain. My whole mission is kind of to catch people before they decide to  read 50 Shades so the disappearance of a website where the books were available for free is basically right in line with my goals.

It's kind of appropriate that we're talking about masked parties and stuff, right? Since Mardi Gras just happened? Just so you know, there are lots of Mardi Gras "balls" and I don't know anything about them because they're the things rich people go to and they sound like kind of a drag. I'm going to assume they're not as bad as this terrible party that Ana and Christian are about to go to, because it's just kind of the worst. Are you so surprised? No? Ok good. Because I'm not going to lie. I just got back from vacation and I'm going to kind of rush this. I had only like, nine views the other day? And that's basically none. That's like a rounding error. It might've really been zero. It's not very many, is what I'm saying. So I gotta get my act together and publish something so here's what I'm publishing: The rest of Chapter 6, in which our heroes go to a party. Yawn. 

Wait where were we?