Wednesday, March 25, 2015

50 Shad3s: Chapter 6

Ana figures out who the arsonist was. 

At long last our heroes get around to some buttstuff.

It's always a bummer when I know I have to start talking about sex. It's like, c'mon guys. Can't you like, lead up to it a little? Or just, you know. Leave out part of the sex? Because I get it! Christian Grey is so good at sex! Probably the best sexer who ever sexed a sex. But now, I gotta read about it. At least I know that they can only have sex for an hour because CG has to yell at his security people or some shit. Remember how there was a weird car chase last chapter for no reason? Oh and how Ana and Christian just had car sex in the afternoon like, five minutes ago? Well here comes some more! #yay

Wait. Should probably catch you up to speed. I mean just in case for some reason, you decided to start right here and don't know what's happened already. Don't worry! You haven't missed much. You haven't missed anything. 

Where were we?

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

50 Shad3s: Chapter 5 part 2

Car chase / car sex. 

I wonder if I'll be like, invigorated after going to see the movie and not even hating it that much? Probably not. Because the problem is that book-Christian is just as bad as movie-Christian, and book-Ana is way, way worse than movie-Ana. And while early in the movie, Kate calls Ana a "goddess" as a "clever" nod to the worst thing in the book, I'm probably going to have to keep reading about inner goddesses and whatever for several hundred more pages.

All I do is just give, give, give.

Lessee. Where were we?

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Special Movie Edition: We Watched It

Meh. Not that bad.

OK so here’s the deal: 

The movie isn’t that bad. If, some crazy how, this blog hasn’t, on its own, provided you with a detailed-enough account of this mess, and you're like, "Ugh I still want to learn more tho," please please please just watch the movie and don't read the book. Please don't. Please.

Of course, this introduces a bit of a conundrum: is it possible that all my enjoyment of the movie is directly related to the misery that the book has caused me? Probably! So it's very possible that someone who hasn't dissected the book(s) in the pointless way I have would totally hate the movie and be like, "Ugh why'd you make me watch this, Alden?" And I'd like to respond to that in two ways:
  1. I didn't make you.
  2. At least you didn't read the book. 
Here's the main thing the movie has going for it:

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

50 Shad3s: Chapter 5 part 1

Honeymoon ending. Jet ski. Flight back to Seattle. Sex. Breakfast in Bellevue. Car chase.

I still haven't seen the movie yet. I'm sorry. I'm going this weekend. I'll tell you all about it. I mean, if you're interested.

Where were we?