Friday, May 17, 2013

Complainist Letters: Rejection

Dear Editor,

I hope you will consider my story, “Two Sad Orphans and the Terrible Things That Happened to Them Down By the Tracks,” for publication in your journal.

Should you find that it does not suit your needs at this current time, I have gone ahead and drafted a brief, heartfelt letter expressing this point. I have included said letter as a postscript. I know that you are busy, so please feel free to send this letter back to me at your convenience. You could, of course, write your own, or edit mine, but why bother, when this perfectly good one is already available?

Thank you for your consideration, 
Alden Eagle

Dear Alden Eagle,

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to read your story, “Two Sad Orphans and the Terrible Things That Happened to Them Down By the Tracks.” You captured the sadness of the orphans and the terribleness of the things that happened to them down by the tracks with such exquisite pathos that we cannot help but wonder if our journal is even up to the task of sharing this story with the world.

Were it up to us, these orphans would be splashed across the pages of not just our journal, but every journal. And not just the journals of the English-speaking world. If we could, we would arrange for careful translations into all the world’s great tongues.

But alas, we cannot. Ours is a modest concern, and we cannot even afford to pay the majority of contributors to our website, let alone field the army of translators that this job would require, were it done properly. It is with a heavy heart, then, that we must admit that we cannot provide a home for these sad orphans. We believe that the only thing worse than a story rejected is a story forgotten, thanks to a spotlight too dim. In this case, our spotlight is too dim.

Please do not think of this as us rejecting you. Instead, think of it as us using our limited wisdom to let you know that you must, instead, reject us. You must take this story back, and quickly! Every moment it spends in our ink-stained fingers threatens to diminish its sad, terrible magic.

You honor us by thinking us worthy of this gem. If only you were correct!

Regretfully yours, 

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