50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 23

tldnr
Christian meets Ana's mom and then Ana and Christian have sex in Christian's hotel room.

Warnings:
There will be blood.

(Editor's note, Monday, 7:47PDT: Alden is once again, behind schedule. We told him to take the week off, but he called us "mutterblushers" and threw a bottle at us. So, despite our suggestion, and the advice of his doctors, Alden decided to power through and complete this essay in a single evening, fueled only by a cocktail of cocktails and his own rage. The decreasing quality that you will doubtless detect as you approach the end of this essay is due to the author's inebriation and the lateness of the hour. Enjoy!)

Right! Starting this off completely sober (Editor's note: Well, basically sober. One beer, so far.) but with no idea at all what actually happens in this chapter. It used to be that I'd read through the chapter, then go through it a second time while taking notes. This is probably why my earlier summaries were more coherent. But let's be real: I've got senior-itis. I'm about to graduate from this dumb book and I've already been accepted at my backup college, so we're working kind of fast and loose here. Whatever. I'm still probably putting in more effort than the author of the original source material. 

One note from last week:
I made a whole thing out of this particular sentence: "And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning." I received a consultation from The Complainist's house medical expert (a real doctor!) who noted that those starting a birth-control regimen are sometimes advised to start said regimen when their period starts. The reason for this is simple: that way, you know you weren't pregnant when you started your prescription. 

My version, to be fair, was funnier. But this does get at a deeper issue. Ana mentions taking a pill in Chapter 22. She was prescribed her pill in Chapter 18. That feels like forever ago! But, in fact, it was basically one weekend! Chapters 18-20 all take place during a single obnoxious day. Chapter 21 is the day after that. And Chapter 22 is the day after Chapter 21. So to me, it felt like Ana had been on the pill for ages but now that I look at it more carefully, she was only written a prescription a couple days ago and omigod this book is so slow. It's almost unbelievable how little is happening in this thing. 

And now, for a bunch more nothing!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 22

tldnr
Ana flies to Georgia and then Christian flies to Georgia.

Warnings:
Christian does the stalker-type stuff that he always does.

I declared in the beginning of 2013 that I was going to spend too much money on stereo equipment and write a book. I have, effectively, accomplished both of these goals (Editor's note: "predictions" might be more fair here.) although not quite in the manner I expected. You see, I have basically written an entire book about Fifty Shades of Grey.

In total, I've written about 125,000 words about this dumb book. Has anyone written more about it, by volume? I don't know. I mean, probably, but I only say that because I just seem an unlikely person to have written the most criticism about 50 Shades. I have no evidence. I'm sure that there are plenty of people who've written a million words or more of 50 Shades fanfic, and I see from a quick check of Amazon that there are a number of digital-only parody versions and a surprising number of tangentially related cookbooks. But I don't see anything like a readers' guide, which I guess I'm kind of working on in my own bitter way.

Now all I have to do is convince some risk-taking publisher that the inevitable movie-backlash is going to make my brand of snark a lucrative investment. This thing is probably worth hundreds of dozens of dollars, right? I'm assuming that the price of the paperback version of this book (Editor's note: the only print version.) will be ten dollars, and that it will sell more than 200 copies.

I'll also clean it up a bit, make it a little less bloggy, and not mention as often how much I'm drinking while doing this. Or maybe that's what people want? Even more cocktail recipes? Not sure! But in any case, that's what I'll be up to in a couple weeks when our heroes have concluded the first third of their adventures: trying to get in on some of that sweet, sweet, 50 Shades cheddar.

But first! A trip to Georgia!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 8

tldnr
Christian and Ana finally have sex and then Christian plays a piano while sad. 

Warnings: This chapter contains both extremely vague and extremely specific descriptions of Ana lying perfectly still while CG does sex to her / lectures her about different things. There will be blood. It will be terrible.

So, here we are, at the point that you've either been dreading or awaiting eagerly. The part where they start having sex. After one hundred pages of notsex, they finally give in and do the thing that we've all known they were going to do. Yay.

Here's a little game to play! Just something for me to talk about for a moment while I stall for time before I have to actually talk about this chapter. Help me procrastinate. Think about who ought to play these crazy kids in the inevitable film adaptation! This is a test, there are right answers. Or, rather, there's at least one right answer, which we'll share after the jump!