50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 7 part 2

So, my computer died. I'm using it again, to type this very sentence! So I guess it's undead now? A zombie? And my backup habits were poor. You might think, gentle reader, that we've reached the point where people just don't have poor backup habits anymore. The point where people don't even have to really have their shit together because they have machines to keep their shit together and they don't even have to think about it.

You'd be wrong, though. I feel dumber than you can possibly imagine. And yet, I still see this status update from somebody basically every week: "Lost my phone, guys, so can everybody please message me your number?" That is the only thing that keeps me feeling semi-sane about the fact that I had to restore my computer with a backup that was several months out of date. Months! Downright criminal. I'm only sharing this with you, gentle reader, and this is pretty personal stuff so please don't tell anyone. Got it? Thanks.

It couldn't have happened at a worst time, since now I'm taking this class that swears that I'm going to write a novel in 5 weeks. And maybe I will. What am I paying for, really? Pretty much I'm just paying to make sure that there's a group of strangers who will know if I don't write 1,200 words a day like I said I would. I'm paying for a shame-mechanism.

Which, to be fair, I think is worth it. I no longer have a shame-mechanism. It's not like I get desperate emails when I don't publish this on time. It's not like anyone knows whether I'm writing anything or not, or particularly cares. That must be some indication of the trouble I still have in my new, northwest life. I have to pay money so that strangers will ask me whether I'm doing any writing or not. I'm sorry. I'm in a terrible mood because of this computer thing? And for reasons general? And also because I just listened to George Saunders talk about writing and he's just a mutterblushing charmer and his thoughts on writing hit me at just the wrong time and now I feel like maybe I should just never write anything ever again. But then what would I do? I don't know! Netflix?

Is that enough of that? I suppose so. Let's rejoin our heroes. When last we saw them, Christian had just gotten finished buying Ana at an auction, and he was competing with some mystery man. Then they retreated to CG's childhood bedroom to do it. (Editor's note: by "it" we mean sex.) And there on his wall was a mystery photo of a mystery woman so we've got two mysteries! OMG WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE and also who cares.

And then, they return to the party.

But let's do that thing where we catch up all the way, shall we?

Our story thus far:

 

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 2 part 2

There are several things I think you should know about my life right now.

1.  I just spilled an extraordinary amount of latte on myself. I can’t explain it. One second I was taking a dainty, sophisticated sip of latte and the next, I was doing my best to mop up milk and coffee with a handkerchief and silently cursing this fancy-pants cafe. 
2. The script on the baked goods was real complicated so I accidentally spent five bucks on something called a Luchador Cake and I ordered it because Luchadors are great, not because I’m some kind of jerk who spends five bucks on cake. 
3. The cake is pretty good tho. 
4. I am, at the moment, too angry to ask for the wifi password so I’m typing this offline like a caveman, so that I can load it into Blogger later.
5. I have finished Draft 2 of my opus, Fifty Clichés of Grey: a Fifty Shades Readers Guide and it’s wonderful and I think we can all agree that it is exactly what your local bookstore needs, so go ahead and start lobbying for it now because I think that’s how these things work.

Where were we? Somewhere. Oh right. 

Our story thus far:

Ana is a naive college student who dated a billionaire for a couple weeks but broke things off with him because he spanked her too hard. 

1.  Ana starts her new job at a publishing company and agrees to let Christian give her a ride to José’s art show. It turns out they both miss each other or whatever.
2.  Part 1: Ana and Christian eat steaks at a restaurant and then drive back from Portland to Seattle. They rekindle their “romance” and Christian says that they won’t have to have rules anymore and he won’t punish Ana.

And now, here we are, with just a few loose ends to tie up before we part ways with Chapter 2. 

Ana falls asleep in CG’s car and when she wakes up, we’re outside her apartment in Seattle. I wish she took these power naps more frequently. Gives me a nice little break from her nonsense. 

Ana’s reactions are typically indicative of her passive relationship with CG. 

"No. We're nearly at your place."

Oh? "We're not going to yours?"

"No."

I sit up and gaze at him. "Why not?"

"Because you have work tomorrow."

"Oh." I pout.

He smirks at me. "Why, did you have something in mind?"

I flush. "Well, maybe."

He chuckles. "Anastasia, I am not going to touch you again, not until you beg me to."

"What!"

"So that you'll start communicating with me. Next time we make love, you're going to have to tell me exactly what you want in fine detail."

"Oh." He shifts me off his lap as Taylor pulls up outside my apartment. Christian climbs out and holds the car door open for me.

"I have something for you." He moves to the back of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out a large gift-wrapped box. What the hell is this?

"Open it when you get inside."

"You're not coming in?"

"No, Anastasia."

Fun, right? I get that Ana doesn’t want to share with Christian exactly what she has in mind, but she sees no reason to share any thoughts with us, either. And, as always, CG is completely in charge. And how gross is that line about Ana telling CG exactly what she wants in “fine detail”? Can you even imagine what a drag that’s going to be? “Put your impressive length down there, so I can feel it in my low, low belly.” Ugh. Terrifying. I hope she sleeps through that sequence too, just like this car ride.

I also like her reaction to CG handing her a present. “What the hell is this?” Hey, Ana! Are you familiar with this phenomenon? Sometimes, people will obscure the identity of a gift by wrapping it in some kind of festive paper, so as to build anticipation while the recipient opens it. It does not surprise me that Ana is confused by the idea of a gesture meant exclusively to build anticipation. 

I’m particularly annoyed by that last part--”You’re not coming in?” Would be a pretty sensible moment to let us know what Ana is thinking. I mean, I’m pretty confident she wants to join CG in the bone-zone but c’mon. The main thing that a first-person point of view has got going for it is the ease with which the author can share with us the protagonist’s perspective. Instead, all we get are Ana’s weird nonsense surprises. A gift? From my billionaire boyfriend who’s always buying me expensive gifts? What a perplexing gesture!

They arrange to see each other again the next night and I can’t wait! I’m so very, very excited! Aren’t you? Probably, right? Right. Ana mentions that she’ll be getting drinks after work with her boss, and of course CG is super jelly. In fact, the whole “drinks after work” thing is not nearly as weird as it seemed when introduced by Ana’s boss, Jack, in the previous chapter. He made it sound like a date; when it actually happens, it’s much more of a “people getting drinks after work” thing and not weird at all. But of course when Ana tells CG about it, it’s as though she’s confessing that she’s taken a lover during their time apart. 

"My boss wants me to go for a drink with him tomorrow."

Christian's face hardens. "Does he, now?" His voice is laced with latent menace.

"To celebrate my first week," I add quickly.

Latent menace, y’all! Well. At least he isn’t breaking with tradition in the slightest! Fun. 

Pretty soon Ana gets into her fancy apartment and investigates her gift. Mostly it’s just CG returning her expensive shit that she gave back to him when they broke up. Computer. Blackberry. But here’s one of my absolute favorite (read: most hated) paragraphs in the whole thing: 

Opening the case, I find an iPad. Holy shit... an iPad. A white card is resting on the screen with a message written in Christian's handwriting: Holy cow. I have a Christian Grey mix-tape in the guise of a high-end iPad. I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it. Jack at the office has one, so I know how they work.

On the one hand, the iPad makes more sense that the computer of the Blackberry. He should’ve bought it for her in the beginning. So, whatever. Cheap in comparison to the computer. But wait. Did CG write Ana a note that says “Holy cow”? Because that would actually be kind of cute. But I fear it’s just more of EL being bad at writing. I expect that there’s some other note. Maybe a song list? Because the “mix-tape” part makes absolutely no sense. 

Also, iPads are not hard to work. But once again, EL can’t just let Ana know a thing. She has to have a reason for know a thing. And the reason has to be some education provided for her by a man, because that’s how it works in this book. Men know things and women can sometimes learn things from men. Gross.

The iPad is terribly exciting to Ana because she’s a real doofus and whatever. 

I switch it on and gasp as the wallpaper image appears: a small model glider. Oh my.

It's the Blanik L23 I gave him, mounted on a glass stand and sitting on what I think is Christian's desk at his office. I gape at it.

He built it! He really did build it. I remember now he mentioned it in the note with the flowers. I'm reeling, and I know in that instant that he's put a great deal of thought into this gift.

A great deal of thought? Eh. Maybe. More like six hundred bucks and five minutes of thought but whatever. 

There are a bunch of photos loaded in as well which of course is super-duper exciting and must’ve taken CG easily two minutes so that’s fun as well.

Holy shit! The British Library? I touch the icon and a menu appears: Historical collection. Scrolling down, I select novels of tHe 18tH and 19tH century. Another menu. I tap on a title: The AmericAn by Henry James. A new window opens, offering me a scanned copy of the book to read. Holy crap - it's an early edition, published in 1879, and it's on my iPad! He's bought me the British Library at a touch of a button.

My favorite part is this British Library app. I don’t care to discover whether or not this is a real thing. Let’s say that it is. Tell me: how would you feel about reading a scanned, 1879 edition of a novel instead of just reading the thing in Kindle or iBooks or whatever? Exactly--that sounds tedious and terrible. Also old-ass novels are free, and if this app exists, it probably costs actual money. Probably costs actual money to do the same thing in a way more annoying fashion, so I can see why Christian was drawn to it. Totally makes sense.

I’m going to go ahead and share with you a pretty long chunk. Ana checks out the music pre-loaded onto her iPad. (Editor’s note: what do you think she’ll call it? I mean, not the mean machine. That’s taken. So what, then? Guesses?) And this part is so, so terrible. It’s a pretty dense dump of information, and it’s mainly absolute nonsense, but it’s also hilariously revealing. 

I go back to the main screen, hit the iPod icon and a playlist appears. I scroll through the songs, and the list makes me smile. Thomas Tallis - I'm not going to forget that in a hurry. I heard it twice, after all, while he flogged and fucked me. "Witchcraft." My grin gets wider - dancing round the great room. The Bach Marcello piece -  oh no, that's way too sad for my mood right now. Hmm. Jeff Buckley -  yeah, I've heard of him. Snow Patrol - my favorite band - and a song called "Principles of Lust" by Enigma. How Christian. I smirk. Another called "Possession"... oh yes, very Fifty Shades.

And a few more I have never heard.

Selecting a song that catches my eye, I press play. It's called "Try" by Nellie Furtado.

She starts to sing, and her voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me. I lie down on my bed.

Does this mean Christian's going to try? Try this new relationship? I drink in the lyrics, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand his turnaround. He missed me. I missed him. He must have some feelings for me. He must. This iPad, these songs, these apps - he cares. He really cares. My heart swells with hope.

The song ends and tears spring to my eyes. I quickly scroll to another - "The Scientist"

by Coldplay - one of Kate's favorite bands. I know the track, but I've never really listened to the lyrics before. I close my eyes and let the words wash over and through me.

My tears start to flow. I can't stem them. If this isn't an apology, what is it? Oh, Christian. Or is this an invitation? Will he answer my questions? Am I reading too much into this?

It’s comical how happy this makes Ana. This is just another rich-guy present, but somehow, the tiniest bit of personalization is enough to make it seem thoughtful as hell to poor Ana. In the hands of a better writer, I’d think that we were witnessing an author skillfully illustrating Ana’s sad delusions. “Am I reading too much into this?” Yes. Yes you are.

So on the one hand, we have all the songs that were mentioned in the first book. And then we just have the absolute worst easy listening schlock pop-rock. Nellie Furtado, Snow Patrol, and Coldplay is like a grand slam. It’s the perfect grouping of music for somebody to listen to if that person is boring and doesn’t like anything at all in the world.

But even worse is the way EL describes Ana listening to music. Why do this half-assed shit? Am I supposed to go look up the lyrics to “The Scientist” so that I know why they’re washing over Ana or whatever? Because I am absolutely not going to do that. Nope. Well, I might. But only to make fun of her for listening to Coldplay. 

Why can’t Ana be cool?! That’s what I really want to know! It’s like EL read my mind and created two characters custom-made to be annoying to me in every possible way. 

Oh and then Ana turns on her computer so that she can send CG a thank-you email because obvs she couldn't do that on her iPad. Oh wait, she could? Never mind. I think maybe EL thinks that an iPad is just a flat iPod. That seems likely, right? That in EL’s mind, you can only read books and listen to music on iPads? Can’t do music or whatever? I’ll assume that’s true.

This quick thank-you devolves into a succession of six total messages, back and forth. And then Ana switches from her computer back to her iPad. Of course, since it's most likely that CG just bought all this music on the iTunes store, Ana could listen to it on whatever device suits her best, but that kind of maneuver might be just too complicated for those with Ana's lack of technical skill / basic ability to function in the modern world.

As is the case with almost every chapter EL James writes, she ends this one with Ana falling asleep. And it makes sense because you've got to break things up somehow, right? And it isn't like EL can place chapter breaks in a way that serves to break up key moments in the development of the plot, since there is so little plot. Ana and CG have, as of the end of Chapter 2, given us no reason to read on. Everything has wrapped up quite nicely--they've agreed to a punishment-free sex situation, and that was all that Ana really wanted. Am I forgetting anything?

Well, a couple small things. We still have Jack Hyde, Ana's new boss, whom we've been told quite clearly is a villain, despite the fact that EL has not yet shown him doing any villain stuff. So I guess we have to wait around for him to do villain stuff. And also we have the "situation" from the end of the last book. For those not yet initiated, we know very little about the situation, other than the fact that it took place in Seattle, it bothered CG very much, and it involved a woman somehow whom CG's goons were trying to keep track of. So maybe we'll learn some more about these two elements.

Doesn't say much for this thing as a trilogy though, does it? We have this primary conflict between Ana and Christian that's basically resolved. And the secondary conflicts, at least so far, have nothing to do with Ana and Christian's relationship. Jack Hyde is just a shitty guy who does villain stuff for his own reasons, we will eventually learn. And the "situation" is really just a skeleton from CG's closet and has very little to do with Ana, as we will also eventually learn.

But, I suppose we can keep reading, on account of EL's scintillating prose. 

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 1, part 2

Well, happy new year! To both of us. I'm still reeling from a recent day in which I only had nine hits. Nine hits! In an entire day! Twenty-four hours! That's a pretty long time for nine hits. Bored spam robots usually pass by at least a dozen times, so nine is quite nearly without precedent. C'mon guys. Help me out here. Read this dumb thing that I'm spending all my time writing all the time.

So, we'll try a little experiment. I'm contemplating more posts, only shorter, so here we have the second part of Chapter 1. It's ready. You're ready. Why keep it form you? No reason. So here it is.

tldnr
Ana and Christian go to José's photography show, which has lots of photos of Ana. Then Ana and Christian make out in an alley. 

When we left, Ana and CG, who totally aren't technically back together yet but who are totally back together already, were just landing in Portland via helicopter to visit José's photography show because it's no big deal to Ana that José kinda sorta kinda assaulted Ana kinda way back in the early chapters of the first book.

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 24

tldnr
Ana and Christian fly around in a glider.

Warnings:
I'm going to spend a long time right at the top talking more about the sex from the previous chapter. Skip ahead to the jump if you want to miss out on that. Later on, I'm going to spend a lot of time wishing that Ana and Christian would hurry up and have breakfast-sex at IHOP, but that's just wishful thinking on my part. They don't actually do it. 

Those of you who read my take on Chapter 23 may be asking the same question I'm asking:

Wait, so this is supposed to be sexy? 

It is, right? Isn't that the whole idea? People using the phrase "mommy porn" are all idiots--there's nothing about this mess that suggests that it's aimed at mothers in any way. But, it is decidedly pornographic. Or, if that's too strong a term, it's supposed to be erotic at least, right? Isn't "erotica" just like, porn for snobs?

Here's what I'm stuck on: nothing happened in Chapter 23 at all, like usual. Pretty much it was just about Christian meeting Ana's mom, Carla, and Carla insisting that Ana head upstairs and have sex with CG, despite CG's obvious stalker tendencies.

And then they did have sex. And the first thing about that sex scene that's striking is Ana's absolute dependence on Christian. She's oddly removed from her own body--only enjoying herself when she cedes control to Christian and then takes things one step further, essentially experiencing her own sexuality exclusively through Christian's eyes. You're familiar with the concept of the male gaze? Shorthand for the way that art (visual art most obviously but the idea can be applied more generally) on the whole presumes a male audience--and to go further, a straight, white, male audience. Ana is portrayed in Chapter 23 as essentially needing to adopt this male gaze as her own and use it to perceive herself.

Part of what fascinates me about this terrible book and its popularity is this sort of contradiction. Here we have what is ostensively pornography for women, written by a woman, but a scenario that is completely geared toward a man's experience of sex.

This makes me think Bic's "Cristal" [sic] ballpoint pens. Finally! A pen for women! The listing on Amazon for Cristal is one of those delightful community satire projects that crop up on Amazon from time to time. Most of the reviews are, as you would expect, bitterly sarcastic. And they should be! Because it's just a mutterblushing pen! My understanding is that ladies have managed to write with the same pens as men for quite some time. At least as far back as Title 9, right?

And that's my question with 50 Shades. It's all the same ideas, the same scenarios you'd expect if this thing were aimed at men, instead. There's some pseudoscience that will tell you that men and women's brains are wired differently or have different bumps or whatever and that's why men like porn and women "don't" but it seemed intuitive to me (even pre-50 Shades) that maybe if someone tried to sell porn to women that actually presumed that perhaps women were human beings with opinions and desires, there just might be a market!

50 Shades proves this. . . . sort of. Millions of women have read it! But also EL's portrayal of Ana Steele is endlessly degrading. Ana is a complete doofus. She lacks any agency, any subjectivity. She requires a man's instruction in order to derive any pleasure from the body that she quite literally drags around with her everywhere she goes.

So what I'm saying is, it turns out that it wasn't even necessary to adjust the sexist assumptions of pornography in order to sell a commodity tailored for straight men to straight women. You just have to package it differently, and distribute it through different channels. That's the real difference here, right? 50 Shades found an audience through networks of Twilight fans and through internet fanfic sites and then exploded via Amazon and Kindle. These are not places that straight men are venturing when they're feeling horny, I expect. So maybe that's the lesson. The way to sell porn to women is just to sell it out a different door. Good job, capitalism!

Here's what I'm really trying to figure out, though:
Why was it so important for EL James to stage a sex scene while Ana was menstruating?

The Complainist's resident medical advisor offered, unsolicited, her take:

"Can I offer a lady person's perspective on the last published 50 Shades chapter? Gross. Yeah, mostly gross."

This is reassuring to me in two ways. First, I work from the assumption that men and women aren't nearly as different as our popular entertainments, lazy comedians, and so on would have us believe. But despite this assumption, I do recognize that there's something potentially offensive about a man (me!) heaping such clever insults at a book marketed as entertainment for women. (Editor's note: and here we are excluding EL James herself, whom we actively seek to offend.) There's that chance that someone will try to convince me that I simply don't get it, because I'm a dude. So! I am always particularly reassured when women agree with me. Because some of my best friends are women! I swear!

Second, as readers who know me in real life understand, our resident medical advisor shares my actual residence. And so little would trouble me more than to learn that she found any of this book appealing. You, gentle reader, may have learned some troubling things about me as we've shared this time together, but I have not yet learned anything troubling about anyone else, and I do hope that remains unchanged.

But back to Ana and what is, perhaps, the bloodiest sex scene in popular fiction: why? Why, why, why? What did EL James seek to accomplish in Chapter 23, when she showed us so very much about Ana's uterus?

As I often find when trying to make sense of this dumb book, I can come up with a few plausible answers, but they all seem insufficient, so I don't trust any of them. Here are a few plausible answers, all of which fail under actual scrutiny:

1. CG's willingness to do it every single day of the month means that he's particularly generous and considerate of Ana's desires. Interesting theory! It's too bad that it's contradicted by the whole rest of the book, since CG is not at all generous nor considerate. Besides, if he were really being considerate, he could've been like, "Oh, is this an awkward time? Why don't you tell me using words what sort of sex things you'd enjoy doing on this particular night, and we can do those things, and I won't be disappointed if the things on your list don't match up perfectly with the things I'd most like to do myself." You know--instead of acting totally unilaterally. (Side note: this draws attention to just how limited CG's actual sexual repertoire is. He's basically limited to missionary plus restraints. Yawn.)
2. EL probably chose to talk about Ana's period because EL is such a stickler for realism. This is a real-life thing, so shouldn't it be part of this very realistic novel? It is true that EL does often overwhelm with pointless details that any other writer would skip, but come on. The pointless details are not because EL wants to be realistic. They're a result of EL's writing process, which mostly involves treading water in between arguments or sex scenes. Plus, the sex was already the least realistic part of the book. 
3. The fact that Ana's on her period makes the scene extra sexy for the reader! This isn't true, is it? I'm pretty sure this isn't true. At least, that wasn't my experience, nor the experience of my medical advisor, but I suppose your opinion could vary? Seriously though: go ahead. Tell me if you think this is anything but the worst! You can even do it anonymously! I don't care! But don't lie to me. Only post anonymously that you enjoyed it if you did. I don't need a bunch of trolls, trolls!
4. This is just more vampire shit, right? I guess this is most likely. The whole scene was just some vampire bullshit that got left over from a previous draft in which Christian was literally a vampire. Which, in a way, makes it worse, right? 

Seriously, though--if anybody wants to explain to me how any of this is hot, I promise to listen! Because it would be way more fun to read this mess if I found any of it hot. 

But where were we?

50 Shades of the Complainist: Catching up before the final 5 chapters

The following is a special note for anyone just joining us. Sure, we'd love it if you started from the beginning, but you can also just start here! If you're lazy! We understand lazy! You merely adopted laziness. We were born in it, molded by it, so we know where you're coming from. Start here! And follow along as we speed along to the unthrilling conclusion of Fifty Shades of Grey.

This is it, Complainers! (Editor's note: that's a cool collective term for anybody who's ever read this blog, right? Complainers? No?) Just five chapters separate us from the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, the inexplicably popular novel we've been insulting in surgical detail.

One might even say robo-surgical detail!

Many of you have been with us since the beginning, and we thank you. Still more have checked in now and then, and we thank you, too, but we can't help but wonder quite why you skipped 15.2, for instance. (Editor's note: We know you skipped 15.2. Everyone skipped 15.2.) 

But still others may have heard about our little project and said, "Wow this seems fun, but since I wasn't on board from the beginning, jumping in now would be akin to leaping into the DC Universe, and by that I mean jumping in at some point other than one of their frequent reboots!"

Never fear! This special update is for you! These are some extra notes to help you join us as we count down to the ridiculous conclusion of this ridiculous book. This is going to be kind of like that time I had a housemate who was way into Sex in the City and and I watched the last five episodes with her and was all like, "Oh, snap! Turns out Baryshnikov is a real jerk! I feel so invested!" (Editor's note: this will totally make sense to you if you're a huge Sex in the City fan like we are.) That's all you need--a real "fan" to sit on the couch with you for these last few outings, and then you'll have no trouble following all the novel's nuances as we rocket toward its stunning conclusion.

First thing to note is that there are no nuances. Just one uninteresting conflict, attacked again and again in essentially the same ways: Recent college grad Ana Steele has a billionaire boyfriend named Christian Grey who's possessive, cold, demanding, mercurial, and terrifying. But, he's super good at sex, so maybe Ana should stay with him after all?

That's basically the whole story. Author EL James uses two sorts of scenes throughout the novel: 1) jerk scenes which show us how much of a jerk Christian is, and 2) sex scenes which show us how good he is at sex.

The unfortunate thing about this book is that EL is far more convincing in the jerk scenes than in the sex scenes. As in, yes, EL is utterly successful in making me hate CG (Editor's note: We use a lot of shortcuts here. Because lazy.) when that's her plan, but terrible at making me feel like he's got redeeming qualities and terrible at making me think that he's sexy. He seems just as unpleasant in the bedroom as he seems anywhere else.

About the sex: yes, they have a bunch of sex. You probably know that this book features not just sex, but a particular sort of sex. You know--kinky sex. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not very interested in having kinky sex, but if someone wants to write about it a way that sounds compelling, I have no qualms about reading.

EL does not make it sound compelling, however. Instead, she makes it sound pretty much boring, and also? Not even that kinky. Early on, Christian gives Ana this whole long list of stuff that she's to do and not do in order to fulfill her part of their mutual BDSM relationship. The list is super-detailed, and mostly names stuff that Ana must not do. It also has a list of sex-stuff that CG wants Ana to agree to do. It's presented in blandly clinical detail, but it's still Christian's sexual wish list, and it's lengthy.

It makes the reader expect that some complicated stuff is going to go down, but the reader's expectations are proved false. Christian and Ana have basically regular sex, aside from the fact that Ana is basically forbidden from ever moving (sometimes restraints are involved, sometimes not) and sometimes gets spanked. Ana enjoys herself, which is great for her, but this reader finds the scenes dull. Maybe you will find this sort of thing interesting, but to me, the power dynamics of their relationship makes the sex less sexy, not more.

In essence, it feels to me like EL James is borrowing some of the trappings of BDSM culture, but none of the content. She's taking a relationship that is borderline abusive, but using the jargon of BDSM to make it sound like what Ana and CG have is something novel, when instead, they have something completely mundane: a relationship where one party calls all the shots and the other party is mainly miserable but is offered just enough affection at just the right time to consider it worth sticking around for another day. Fun, right!?

Also, nothing ever happens in this book. It's just a lot of Ana worrying about whether or not things are working well between her and Christian (they aren't!) and then the two of them having sex. Occasionally, other people are brought in, but they only appear to give further expression to this central, boring conflict. For instance, Ana's roommate Kate shows up periodically to tell Ana that her relationship is shitty, but Ana never listens.

Kate is the only person we might call a secondary character. Everyone else is tertiary at best. There's José, a guy who likes Ana, but he's just in the background so that Christian has someone to be jealous of for no reason. There's also Elliot, Christian's brother, who is also Kate's boyfriend. While it is super weird that these two brothers are dating roommates, no one ever comments on how weird this is. This is true of a lot of the super weird things that happen in this book all the time.

A lot of this weirdness is due to the fact that, when she wrote the book, the author (who is English) had never been to Seattle, where her novel is set. I'm sure that thousands of Americans have written novels set in London despite never having been, so I can't be too upset. But I am surprised by just how poor a job EL does of making her characters seem American. Isn't American culture totally inescapable? Don't we push it all over the globe and make it nearly impossible for anyone, particularly in the English-speaking world, to not know exactly what's going on in American pop culture?

I guess the answer is "no," much to my surprise. EL James is proof that you can live in England and find Americans totally baffling, because no one in this book sounds American. I'm not saying that they sound British because I lack that expertise. But they don't sound like Americans. It's one of the factors that makes dialogue almost impossible to trudge through.

Right. So if you're jumping in now, don't worry that you've missed out on any plot, because you haven't missed any plot at all, since there isn't any. The only thing that might interest you at all is know that, at the end of Chapter 21, Ana made her way to the airport to get some time apart from Christian at her mother's house in Georgia.

Some things happened, sure, but none that matter to your understanding of the end of the book. It would be wrong to call this book "episodic" because that implies lots of little plots, the way that a TV show is "episodic." This has no small plots and no big plots. Just a bunch of tension due to the fact that CG is a terrible boyfriend and often seems like he just might murder Ana or, at the very least, lock her in a dungeon. (Editor's note: his condo does have a sex dungeons, so you never know!) There's tension, and every once in a while it gets resolved temporarily because Ana generally has a nice time when they have sex with each other, which allows for a period of calm between them. But then that calm leaves us, and the exact same tension returns.

So please, jump in next week! No reason not to worry that you won't understand what's going on. Basically nothing ever goes on, and in many cases, having actually read the book isn't very useful as preparation anyway, since the actual events tend to be so ridiculous. And if you enjoy some of these final chapters, please to go back and revisit some of the earlier entries. *


*I think the first few are probably the funniest, because each subsequent chapter makes me more jaded, miserable, and less capable of being hilarious. Hence the diminishing returns. 

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 20

tldnr
Ana and Christian have boathouse sex and then go home for mild spanking and bed sex and then we get a pretty uninteresting revelation about Christian's past.

Warnings:
There is a bunch of sex but it isn't as gross as the end of Chapter 19 hinted it would be. 

Here we are! Chapter 20! The home stretch, I guess! Well. The home stretch of the first book, at least. Chapter 19 somehow managed to inspire my best-ever day of traffic, and my previous forays into non-50 Shades posts have made it clear that you only like me when riding EL's coattails. The combination of these two facts means that I'll eventually get to books 2 and 3, though I think I've earned a bit of a break and will not move immediately from this book to whatever the next one is called. I think it's Fifty Shades Into Darkness but I forget. Anyway- if you have any suggestions for things I ought to mock pointlessly (since that's my only real skill) do let me know. I would like to add some sort of non-EL project into the mix to serve as a break between books.

And thank you for telling your friends to read my little blog. You must have done so; I long ago gave up trying to do much of anything to add readers.

A dear friend let me know that there are, in fact, certain people who do not want to read my analysis. I share her story below, so that we might all learn from it. (Editor's note: she also mentioned that a security guard was fired from her workplace for watching pornography from his station, but I think that was more of an anecdote than a warning.)

And I learned another lesson about 20 minutes ago. Don't be stupid and forget that you are at St. Bernard Parish Hospital and that means the people here are a certain way. So when you see someone reading something on a kindle, dont get all excited cuz you were dumb and forgot where you worked CUZ BOOKS and then happily nose into their beeswax asking what they are reading cuz you love to know what people are reading cuz OBVIOUSLY they are reading fucking 50 Shades for the 2nd time cuz this is st bernard and they sold that book at the counter of Main's Grocery store, the ONLY BOOK EVER to be sold at that counter.  And stemming from that same lesson in not forgetting where you work, DO NOT THEN TELL THAT PERSON who is reading 50 Shades FOR THE SECOND TIME that your friend is writing a blog where he breaks down all of the ways in which that book is terrible. Because it is a dumb fucking thing to say, you idiot, cuz when a person reads in this parish, it is a BFD, and to read a thing TWICE is a VBFD, and mocking that thing makes that other person's face turn red as they make a face at you that clearly states you are an asshole and the conversation is over.

You guys have heard of St. Bernard Parish, right? The place next to New Orleans where they found brain-eating amoebas in the water supply? No? Well they did! But anyway, lesson learned. You know, I'm effectively reading this book twice, so I guess I can't really complain about anyone else reading it twice, either. So I'll save my worst insults for anyone who reads it three times. Or enjoys it once. 

Moving on!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 18

TLDNR
Ana has an appointment with a gynecologist at Christian's house. She's prescribed birth control, and then Ana and Christian have sex-dungeon sex.

Warnings:
May contain sex-dungeon sex. 

We're getting close to the end, you know. I typed that, and then I looked down at my book and saw that Chapter 18 opens on page 314, meaning that we have 200 pages left, meaning that we're at about the 60% mark, meaning that we're not close enough to the end. I wish we were closer.

This project is some sort of awkward middle ground between writing and not writing. I basically haven't written anything besides this in 2013. Barely read anything besides this terrible book, either. I tell myself that there is an ebb and flow to this work but it's been all ebb for a long time. My problem is that I really only have the patience for writing jokes, I'm pretty sure. So what do you do if all you want to do is write jokes? Hang out on twitter? I guess. Hang out on twitter or make easy jokes about a terrible book. Hooray!

As a bit of a warm-up for this week's chapter, let's see if we can figure out how to cut the first 17 chapters into something more manageable. Let's think like an editor!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 17

TLDNR:
Ana and Kate move to Seattle, then Ana goes to Christian's house. 

Warnings:
This chapter is a waste of everyone's time. 

OMG BREAKING NEWS!
EL announced some cast details for a dumb movie about her dumb book that I'll end up going to see probably because literally several people are counting on me to deal with this shit so that they never ever have to. (Editor's note: We'll put up some type of sponsorship deal where you can sponsor our ticket or all the booze we'll have to drink ahead of time to make it through two hours of Ana blushing. Because we're not paying for this thing ourselves. We're just not.)

ANYWAYS!
Ana and Christian are going to be played by Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam in a film to be released in 2014, directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson. You may have seen Dakota Johnson in The Social Network, but I didn't because who cares. You will not know Sam Taylor-Johnson from anywhere. You may have seen Charlie Hunnam in lots of thing, but the only one to leave any impression on me is Sons of Anarchy. Here's my main impression: "This guy is great at playing a greasy motorcycle guy!" Here's an impression I never got from him: "He seems like a billionaire British vampire!" Although he was born in England, it turns out, so maybe he'll be ok? Whatever. For me, and all "true" "fans" of this mess, there can be but one Christian Grey, and his name is Sherlock Holmes Khan Julian Assange Benedict Cumberbatch. Whatever. I'm angry at myself for actually having an opinion about this, and I kind of do have an opinion about this! What's wrong with me? (Editor's note: Let's assume that was rhetorical.)

How about a little game!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 16

tldnr:
Spanking, then sex. 

Warnings:
Again--refer above. 

Anecdote:
I have this problem where I troll the "Writing Gigs" section of craigslist and respond eagerly to the oddest requests. This has been more fruitful than you might assume! For instance, last year I was contracted to ghostwrite a single chapter of a novel. My employer never did get around to letting me know the last names of any of the book's characters, but he was pleased with my efforts, and paid promptly. More recently, I volunteered to "beta read" a draft of an "erotic mystery." I read and gave quite a few notes because I'm very good at that kind of thing. (I'm friendly about it, too. If 50 Shades were the work of some earnest, anonymous scribe pleading for help on craigslist, I'd be infinitely more generous. But! This thing has made EL James more money than can be found within the borders of certain small countries. The world has already been generous to her, so I don't have to be.)

Anyway, I mentioned on Facebook that this craigslist author got me a gift card for fifty bucks. Quite nice, considering that I volunteered without any offer of payment. The best part is that a handful of my friends conflated the gift card with this blog, and thought, even if only momentarily, that EL was the author mailing me gifts. This, of course, is not the case! However, I would like to state now, as publicly as I can, that I am willing to be bought, and I am not expensive. So, you'll know what happens if, a few weeks from now, I start a post by writing, "Hey you know, I never thought I'd say this, but this thing is kind of growing on me a little!"

In the meantime, I am kind of stuck. I just don't understand how this book gets read by anybody other than people who despise it because seriously. Chapter 16 is a nonsense chapter, totally lacking in plot or intrigue.

50 Shades Controversy! Some reader criticism

Gentle reader:

The following is a reader-submitted note, or, perhaps, a complicated thought-experiment / hoax conducted by the author, meant to allow him to be his own devil's advocate! How about that? (Editor's note: Actually, it's just a note that's being posted unattributed. We're about to get into some pretty explicit stuff, and not everyone will want google associating their name with it.)

I've been following (and sharing) your 50 Shades series with great amusement up until now. Unfortunately, your rundown on ch 7 was really disappointing. Partly this is because the book itself is so depressing, but mostly it had to do with your evident ignorance of, and distaste for the BDSM community. I can not say that I speak for this community as I picked up most of my knowledge from conversations in and around college gender studies classes. Yet it seems to me that you kept going for the cheap joke by shaming those who enjoy this particular kink instead of focusing on how ham-handed EL's portrayals are.

I mean, you're right that a second date is a ridiculous time to be bringing up contracts, hard limits or giving out tours of ones dungeon, but there really are written contracts in this community, and they exist for very important reasons. And yes, it seems peculiar to mention hard limits that would sound obvious to those outside the community, but by in large this is a subculture which gets it's kicks from transgressing social norms, so the ones CG listed really aren't that extraordinary.

Moreover, "Nice" sex is not everyone's introduction to adulthood. In fact I'd say it is shockingly rare (probably something to do with abstinence only sex ed programs or something). And of course the implication is that atypical sexuality is not "nice", which really puts my teeth on edge.

So here is what I ask. If you are not interested or willing to do the research in order to discuss different sexualities/preferences in an informed way, could you stick closer to your most excelent observations about the craft of writing instead?

Sincerely,

Redacted

Our commenter has correctly identified the fact that I don't know anything about anything. I know so little, in fact, that it was only the other day that wikipedia informed me that I was wrong about what BDSM even stood for. I've also never proclaimed myself an expert, but that's not a particularly good excuse. In American political life, "I'm no expert but" is usually the thing that somebody says right before saying something hilariously dumb. I recognize a lack of expertise as a fault rather than a convenient excuse for failing to address one's own ignorance. 

I'll also acknowledge that there can be something uncomfortable about mockery of a subculture coming from someone unfamiliar with said subculture. It's like how it's okay for you to make a joke about someone in your family, because you love your family, but the same joke coming from the mouth of an outsider would seem cruel. 50 Shades does not belong to a subculture, though. This is not a bit of fringe literature that I dug up for mockery, but the fastest-selling book of all time. EL has sold more than 35 million copies of these books in the US. Think about that for a minute! That's more than 1 copy per 10 Americans! So this is a mass-culture phenomenon, not something from the fringe. Which means that the vast majority of readers will be reading about sex contracts and dungeons and floggers for the first time. While I may be ignorant when it comes the sort of things that excite Christian Grey, I'm every bit as knowledgable as the book's average reader, which in turn disinclines me from worrying that my jokes ought to be better informed. 

I don't wish to shame anyone, except for a couple of fictional people and also EL James. I am of the opinion that whatever other people consent to and find fulfilling is no concern of mine, so I do feel bad for coming across as distasteful. 

It's probably CG's contract that I took the most "cheap" shots at, even though it does make quite logical sense to me that people engaging in kink naturally have to rigorously spell things out. In truth, it's not the contract or even the sex dungeon that make me feel uncomfortable. What I find distasteful, and will continue to find distasteful, is the way that Christian Grey's version of "kinky" lines up so nicely with "regular" misogyny. This book is, at its core, deeply conservative. 

That's what drives my fascination with this book and its popularity--it's perceived as "edgy" but often just reads like the story of a man bullying a woman. And that's depressingly ordinary. 50 Shades feels like a book that's sort of slapped a coat of BDSM paint on top of a harrowing tale of emotional manipulation. 

At least in the parts of this book I've managed to read, we don't see the "submission" part of dominance / submission. Yes, Ana Steele goes along with whatever CG wants, but though she (so far!) is having a pretty nice time, it never seems to me that she's deriving any particular pleasure either from the act of submission or from how her submission affects CG. Which is part of the point, right? 

CG looks to me less like a dominant seeking a submissive, and more like an "active" seeking a "passive." My impression, from my limited reading, is that few people actually experienced with BDSM appreciate its portrayal in this novel, for reasons that will become more and more obvious if you continue reading along with me. 

In the meantime, though, I'll try to take aim at this novel in particular and minimize collateral insults that might land on those who simply have interests that I don't share. 

I'd also suggest that no one use this book as any kind of reference, because seriously. 

Tomorrow morning! The sex chapter we've all been waiting for!