50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 20

Yes, you're right:

I'm having a hard time finishing this. Each chapter is getting just a little more difficult because each chapter is getting just a little more worse and more painful. If, somehow, I were reading this for not particular reason other than, I don't know, to punish myself or something, I would quit here. There's no book left. There's no story left. So I'd just say, "Look, book. I get you. I've read enough." And then I would put it down and never pick it up again. Ooh or maybe I'd leave it in the bathroom as a sort of conversation starter, for anyone who steps into my bathroom. And when people asked me if I'd finished it, I would say "yes" and not even feel guilty about the fact that there were a couple of chapters at the end that I'd skipped. Because I've finished it. Let's be real. And if you've been reading along? You've finished it too, in your way.

Let's get through this last little bit, though. We are completists, not just complainists. And so we shall continue.


The primary crimes of this book, I would say, are twofold:

1. Total lack of shape. Or, rather, it has a shape but the shape isn't compelling. It has three "acts" kinda, but not in the conventional sense. I just mean it has three bits that are smooshed together into a single book. We get 1) the part at the beginning where Leila is a big problem, then 2) the middle part where Jack is a big problem and 3) this pre-wedding part at the end that's pretty terrible and features a helicopter crash because I don't know I guess because something had to happen and that's what EL decided to have happen?

2. Everything that happens in this book already happened in the previous book. It's exactly like a big Hollywood sequel where the actors are just kind of hitting the same marks as they did in the previous movie, but with more budget. Likewise, many of the false conflicts in 2 are just sort of "bigger" versions of shit from 1. Examples:

• 1: CG pesters Ana to sign sex contract. 2: CG pesters Ana to marry him.
• 1: Ana says no, but José persists. 2: Ana is nearly assaulted by Jack.
• 1: CG buys Ana a car. 2: CG buys Ana a different car. 
• 1: Ana is prescribed contraceptives. 2: Ana is prescribed different contraceptives. 

These are just the ones that are easy to remember and pop into my mind quickly. I am confident there are more. What's worse is that often, the characters say something along the lines of, "Oh just like last time" as they are repeating themselves. They know that they're just doing the same shit, which means the author knows she's just writing the same shit, and yet she persists in doing it to us anyway. Ugh. 

I'm not sure if it's just the cumulative effect of the two books that's weighing me down further, but I'm pretty sure, now that we're so close to the end, that book 2 is a lot worse than book 1. Book 1 is similarly shapeless and contrived and dum, but at least it follows a certain kind of arc. There is some sense of momentum as we approach the end and the 'final' conflict between Ana and CG. This is not much praise; what I'm basically saying is that book 1 is better than book 2 because book 1 at least kinda sorta kinda feels like an actual book, at least in comparison to its sequel, which is just a bunch of different bullshit happening for no reason. 

I guess I should repeat a version of a warning that I've warned earlier: don't read these books. And if you should happen to read the first book somehow, DO NO read the second book because it's bullshit and I hate it and you will too. I mean, unless you're into that kind of thing, and if you are, you probably aren't reading this blog anyway and so I'm not talking to you anyway so ugh leave me alone already geez.

But I am talking to you so let's get caught up with our backstory, shall we?

Our story thus far:

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 19

tldnr
Everything is fine and they're going to get married.

I apologize for the lateness and everything.

I went on vacation and I'm all jetlagged kind of sort of, or at least lately I can't stay up until 2 like I usually do so this didn't quite get posted Tuesday morning like I planned. TRAGIC! I am sure that totally ruined your day. But at least you get to read it Wednesday instead! It can fix your Wednesday after I ruined your Tuesday so it all kind of evens out, right? Kinda? Maybe?

Whatever. This is a short chapter so let's get right to it!

Our story thus far:

Fifty Shades Shadier: Chapter 18 part 2

I rushed through the last one because of the World Cup and I'm rushing through this next one because I'm going on vacation and I'll be in an entirely different country by the time this is posted. But really, the really-real reason I keep rushing through these is that this book is terrible and increasingly difficult to deal with. It almost managed a little bit of plot earlier--some of the bits with Leila and Elena introduced some legitimate tension into the first third or so. But those situations have all been seemingly dealt with handily, so we're just left to wait for Ana to decide if she'll  marry Christian. EL does introduce some new bullshit at the very end of this chapter, but I'm sure that's going to disappoint.

Our story thus far:

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 1, part 2

Well, happy new year! To both of us. I'm still reeling from a recent day in which I only had nine hits. Nine hits! In an entire day! Twenty-four hours! That's a pretty long time for nine hits. Bored spam robots usually pass by at least a dozen times, so nine is quite nearly without precedent. C'mon guys. Help me out here. Read this dumb thing that I'm spending all my time writing all the time.

So, we'll try a little experiment. I'm contemplating more posts, only shorter, so here we have the second part of Chapter 1. It's ready. You're ready. Why keep it form you? No reason. So here it is.

tldnr
Ana and Christian go to José's photography show, which has lots of photos of Ana. Then Ana and Christian make out in an alley. 

When we left, Ana and CG, who totally aren't technically back together yet but who are totally back together already, were just landing in Portland via helicopter to visit José's photography show because it's no big deal to Ana that José kinda sorta kinda assaulted Ana kinda way back in the early chapters of the first book.

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 1, part 1

tldnr

Even though they're totally not dating anymore, Christian flies Ana in his helicopter to Portland so that she can attend José's photography exhibit. Ana and Christian are both sad. Ana has forgotten to eat food.  

Let us end 2013 the way we started it: absorbing the worst of pop culture, complaining about it, and then finding even worse stuff to complain about. 

I don't really know why I am drawn to such terrible things. Maybe I have some weird self-esteem thing? Do I think that I'm not good enough for good books? Maybe!

I do think that there's something intriguing about the simultaneously terrible and popular, though. When I read an excellent book, I feel a little bit like I know the author. Even a well-written piece of fiction can feel deeply revealing about its creator. But a book like Shadier? Doesn't tell me much about EL James. Tells me that she's bad at writing, doesn't think very highly of women, and is probably a foot fetishist. (Editor's note: see every sex scene in Fifty Shades of Grey for the foot thing. Or, better yet, don't, and just believe us.) Mostly, reading these books lets me know about the gaps in EL's knowledge. But I don't feel like I really know anything about her. 

But mustn't it say something about us that these books are so popular? I'm using the word "us" broadly. But c'mon! Lotta people bought these things! And read them! What this says about us I'm not sure. But maybe if I get to the end I'll figure it out? (Editor's note: that's what he said when he started the last book, but no such luck.) 

But let's catch up with Anastasia Steele, shall we?

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 6

tldnr:
Ana and Christian take a helicopter to Seattle and Ana sees Christians sex dungeon for the first time. 

Warnings: Besides the fact that this chapter ends with Ana stepping into a sex dungeon, it's actually pretty bland. 

50 Shades is kind of like the novel-version of that time you had to stretch a term paper out from five pages to ten, so you adjusted the margins, added an extra space between each sentence, and then basically just typed in extra filler. Chapter 4 was a contrived excuse to get CG and Ana back in the same place at the same time; they wanted to be in the same place at the same time, only they had contrived reasons for not doing so, which resulted in a need for a second contrived reason to overcome the first contrivance so that the novel could move along again.

Chapter 5 is a bunch of foot-shuffling and throat-clearing, and in the end, CG is all, "Okay, I'll tell you my weird secrets, but I have to do it in Seattle." Chapter 6 is mostly waiting around for them to get to Seattle. Chapter 7 is all weird secrets, and Chapters 8 and 9 are just sex. Astoundingly inefficient! And, I expect, part of why you'll hear so many people talk about how they read the whole thing in a night. These readers may express genuine enthusiasm for the book, and state that they read it so fast because they enjoyed it so much. But, on some level, I expect plenty of people are reading this book quickly because there are just so many long stretches in which nothing of any importance is happening. Those stretches are quite easy to skim.

Like basically all of Chapter 6, for example!

(Editor's note: we did not skim. You know--for science!)