50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 6, part 1

tldnr
Ana and Christian have sex and get ready for a party. 

I have some bad news to share with you.

Here's what's happening: I haven't been reading ahead for a couple of weeks. I don't know what's going to happen except for in the most general way, since I haven't read this whole book but I have read some plot outlines. Hence, I thought that the end of Chapter 5 was suggesting an implied sex scene, and that we'd start Chapter 6 right after its conclusion.

I was wrong. Chapter 6 starts with a quick trip to Sexville, Population: 2. So that's what we're starting with today. I don't like that any more than you do. I probably like it less! You, after all, might be able to derive some kinky pleasure from my suffering, but I'm just here, suffering. Oh well. We've endured worse.

Oh and here's another thing:

My medical advisor asked me today why I highlight text the way I do rather than doing block quotes like a sensible person. And I said "because I don't know how to do block quotes like a sensible person" and then she said, "I bet if you hit that button there with the big mutterblushing quotation mark icon it'd make block quotes ya dumb idiot." And so of course it did and now I know how to make block quotes and also I learned how to be even more embarrassed about myself. (Editor's note: Our medical advisor may have phrased things much more gently but we don't remember. We were too busy being embarrassed.) So that's why this week's entry is a mix of highlighted text and block quotes. You can pinpoint the exact point where we learned the error of our ways! The highlighting reportedly doesn't transfer well if you're reading this via an RSS reader, so I'll switch to more traditional quotations entirely next week.

Also, next Tuesday is Mardi Gras so we may post something but Mardi Gras is a time for enjoying life and this book interferes with my enjoyment of life so, vacation!

But before that? Work! Where were we?

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 20

tldnr
Ana and Christian have boathouse sex and then go home for mild spanking and bed sex and then we get a pretty uninteresting revelation about Christian's past.

Warnings:
There is a bunch of sex but it isn't as gross as the end of Chapter 19 hinted it would be. 

Here we are! Chapter 20! The home stretch, I guess! Well. The home stretch of the first book, at least. Chapter 19 somehow managed to inspire my best-ever day of traffic, and my previous forays into non-50 Shades posts have made it clear that you only like me when riding EL's coattails. The combination of these two facts means that I'll eventually get to books 2 and 3, though I think I've earned a bit of a break and will not move immediately from this book to whatever the next one is called. I think it's Fifty Shades Into Darkness but I forget. Anyway- if you have any suggestions for things I ought to mock pointlessly (since that's my only real skill) do let me know. I would like to add some sort of non-EL project into the mix to serve as a break between books.

And thank you for telling your friends to read my little blog. You must have done so; I long ago gave up trying to do much of anything to add readers.

A dear friend let me know that there are, in fact, certain people who do not want to read my analysis. I share her story below, so that we might all learn from it. (Editor's note: she also mentioned that a security guard was fired from her workplace for watching pornography from his station, but I think that was more of an anecdote than a warning.)

And I learned another lesson about 20 minutes ago. Don't be stupid and forget that you are at St. Bernard Parish Hospital and that means the people here are a certain way. So when you see someone reading something on a kindle, dont get all excited cuz you were dumb and forgot where you worked CUZ BOOKS and then happily nose into their beeswax asking what they are reading cuz you love to know what people are reading cuz OBVIOUSLY they are reading fucking 50 Shades for the 2nd time cuz this is st bernard and they sold that book at the counter of Main's Grocery store, the ONLY BOOK EVER to be sold at that counter.  And stemming from that same lesson in not forgetting where you work, DO NOT THEN TELL THAT PERSON who is reading 50 Shades FOR THE SECOND TIME that your friend is writing a blog where he breaks down all of the ways in which that book is terrible. Because it is a dumb fucking thing to say, you idiot, cuz when a person reads in this parish, it is a BFD, and to read a thing TWICE is a VBFD, and mocking that thing makes that other person's face turn red as they make a face at you that clearly states you are an asshole and the conversation is over.

You guys have heard of St. Bernard Parish, right? The place next to New Orleans where they found brain-eating amoebas in the water supply? No? Well they did! But anyway, lesson learned. You know, I'm effectively reading this book twice, so I guess I can't really complain about anyone else reading it twice, either. So I'll save my worst insults for anyone who reads it three times. Or enjoys it once. 

Moving on!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 19

tldnr
Ana and Christian eat dinner at Christian's family mansion.

Warnings:
Nothing real bad happens in this chapter, but its final moments suggest that some real bad stuff might go down next chapter. 

Hey so I watched Pacific Rim starring Charlie Hunnam, whom you will eventually know as "cinema's Christian Grey" and now I think he's fine for the job. He's still kind of too scruffy, but I'm sure Hollywood can descruff him or whatever, so I'll just assume that he cleans up ok and will look good in pants that hang "in that way" whatever that means. What changed my mind is the reminder about one of his tendencies as an actor, both in Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy, is to deliver what's supposed to be earnest wisdom in a way that just sounds patronizing and dumb. I can already imagine him telling Ana how beautiful and smart she is or whatever. Based on his previous work, he'll deliver the declaration like he's talking to a six-year-old who just got home after a hard day at school, which is more or less Christian Grey's style. So forgive me for doubting you, Charlie Hunnam. And forgive me, gentle reader, for acting like any of this matters at all. It does not.

Is this a still from Pacific Rim or a weird sex thing? I'll never tell!

This is my way of saying that, yes, EL, I am willing to do a quick punch-up on your script. You know where to find me. My fee? We'll work it out. Probably just a gift card or something.

Moving on! Let's meet the parents!