That's right! As promised: The Complainist returns, just in time for Christmas, with the continuing adventures of Ana, Christian, and the worst romance in the history of literature. Hurray!
Our first entry will be an abbreviated one for two reasons. 1) 50 Shades Darker starts with a brief prologue rather than Chapter 1 so this week, we'll just be covering the prologue. 2) Darker is longer than the first book, but has fewer chapters, meaning that getting through a full chapter and the prologue in one go is a real chore. 3) I haven't done Christmas very well, dear readers. And as a result, not only did I fail to accomplish half the things I had planned pre-Xmas, I didn't finish covering all of Chapter 1 in time. So Chapter 1 will be your New Year's Eve present next Tuesday. For Christmas, we'll start with a reminder about where we left things with Ana and Christian, muse about Darker for a bit, and discuss the prologue. And then you can go back to watching bowl games and putting your new train sets together and that sort of thing. You know. Christmas stuff.
But what's that, you say? You've forgotten all about the plot of 50 Shades of Grey and so you need me to run through a quick summary before we get started?
Great. Here's everything that happens in Fifty Shades of Grey:
Ana is a naive college student who dated a billionaire for a couple weeks but broke things off with him because he spanked her too hard.
It's kind of nuts how easy it is to summarize the first book, right? I didn't leave out anything important. You could even start following now, with the second book, even if you didn't read Fifty Shades of Grey or my hilarious insult-version of Fifty Shades of Grey. (Editor's note: Fifty Shades of Cliché. What do you think? Is that anything? Hm? Help me out here.) This is not to say that you shouldn't read my hilarious insult-version. Please do! But if you haven't, don't worry. Nothing really happens in the first book, so you'll have no trouble catching up.
Speaking of summaries: Lemony Snicket is a wonderful writer and everyone should read everything he ever writes. In the first A Series of Unfortunate Events prequels, Who Could That Be At This Hour, a character gives this quite spectacular summary of a famous novel: "A bunch of elves and things get into a huge war over a piece of jewelry that everybody wants but nobody can wear."
Spectacular! I personally think that there is a lot to enjoy in that famous novel about elves and jewelry, so in that case, I'd rather read the whole thing. When it comes to EL James, though, the summary is better, because it's shorter. And that is why I'm here to summarize it for you. I already did the first entire book so you wouldn't have to! I quite literally wrote an entire book about a book! That's the sort of treatment that's usually reserved for actual scholars writing about actual books that are good. As in, there are plenty of books in which scholars carefully dissect the works of Virginia Woolf or William Faulkner or whoever. Not a lot of careful dissections of pop-erotica, so don't say I never did anything for you! I wrote you a whole book!
And now, the sequel! Just in time for Christmas! (Editor's note: Merry Christmas.)
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
The Complainist Fiction: Bag-Bag
No, I don’t need a bag. This really isn’t that much stuff. I mean, I have two hands! I can probably carry my stuff with just my hands! That’s what hands are for, right?
Wait, is it a small bag?
A small, paper bag?
Oh, with handles? Oh.
Now, normally I would say “no.” Definitely “no.” Because, you know, it’s about the environment. That’s where we live, right? I usually am like, a real bag-reusing wizard. I’ve got this bag that I stuff full of other bags. I call it my bag-bag. The kids are always reminding me--Mom! Get some bags from the bag-bag. And when we see someone in front of us at the grocery store, using a lot of plastic bags, we say, Oh, that’s a lot of bags to put in Bag-Bag. And then we went from that to this idea that Bag-Bag would get a belly ache because of all the bags. And from there, it was a pretty short jump before Bag-Bag became a sort of character. A person in our lives. We’d see litter or something, and be like, Oh, that would make Bag-Bag sad. Bag-Bag sort of became our environmental conscience. We’d say, What would Bag-Bag do? Should we drive, or take the car? Well, how would Bag-Bag get to the store? I’m thirsty. Can I get a bottle of water? Well, what would Bag-Bag say about a bottle of water? Don't you think Bag-Bag would rather you wait and drink water at our house so you don’t need a bottle? Bottles of water make Bag-Bag sad.
So usually I would never take a bag ever. Never dream of asking for a bag. You offered me one, so yeah, I’m thinking about it now. I’m thinking about maybe letting you give me a bag, since it has your logo and everything on it and it’s made out of paper and it’s recyclable but I would absolutely never ask for a bag. Besides it probably has your name on it, so I’d be doing you a favor, carrying it around, advertising right?
Oh, yes. It’s a nice-looking bag. Not one of those obnoxious, plastic “thank you” bags that are all crinkly and thin and make you look like you just bought dinner at 7-11 or something. Those bags are the worst. That kind of bag I would definitely refuse. That’s the kind of bag that we crunch down all small and hide in Bag-Bag and pretty much never use again because it’s embarrassing to bring something like that to Whole Foods where everyone has their own canvas bag or recycled bag or something.
I’ve never told anyone about this, about Bag-Bag. But the saddest thing was when there was that crazy oil spill in Florida and down there. The BP one. My youngest, Tree, she was worried about the pelicans and the alligators and everything. But more than anything else, she was worried about Bag-Bag. Isn’t that kind of sweet and weird? She took Bag-Bag to the couch with her, like this sack of bags was a person. Or, I guess, more like a teddy bear. And she talked to it and watched TV. And she’d be so sad at dinner time after watching the news all day. She’d be so glum about the oil spill, and she’d say, Can I eat my dinner with Bag-Bag? What could I say? She was my little environmentalist warrioress and I had to say yes. Had to let her eat dinner with Bag-Bag.
Then, though, she moved him into her room. There I go now! I just called Bag-Bag “him” like he was a person! But the sack of bags was for a specific purpose. To keep bags handy, so that when I need one for shopping or whatever, or for putting a new bag in the little trash bin in the bathroom or wherever. So that I can say, “No thanks! I brought a bag.” Which I usually do do. I usually bring a bag. A bag from Bag-Bag.
So Bag-Bag is not a toy. Bag-Bag is a receptacle. Bag-Bag is a tool for keeping me from having to spend so long talking to you about bags! You don’t need this conversation. You don’t need my whole life story! But here I am, talking to you about Bag-Bag, and all because Tree keeps moving Bag-Bag!
So everyone’s at school. The kids are at school. I need to go shopping. So I need my bags. I need some shopping bags. So I’m going into Tree’s room. Now, I respect my children’s privacy. They’re human beings. They’ve got their rights. But I go in and there’s Bag-Bag. Right in the bed. Under the blanket. The bed is made, more or less, and there’s this bag stuffed with bags and it’s peeking out of the covers. I mean, in the sense that a plastic bag without a face can “peek.” I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but it was kind of disturbing.
Kids get home. Tree runs to her room. Comes back. Says, “Where’d you take Bag-Bag? He was having his rest time.” And I say, well, I needed Bag-Bag because I needed bags for my shopping. That’s the whole point of Bag-Bag. Keepings bags ready for when I need to buy groceries. So we have food to eat. So Tree says, Bag-Bag is my friend. We don’t use our friends. We don’t pull the insides out of our friends.
What am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to say to Tree about bags and Bag-Bag when she gets like that? Hopeless. You try to teach your children these lessons. About the environment. About friendship. And then we hit this impasse. So, I skipped it. I said, fine. Take Bag-Bag. Take your friend Bag-Bag, and I’ll just get all new bags. And won’t that make Bag-Bag sad? Tough!
So you understand where I’m coming from, I’m sure. You get me. You understand that I’m not going around, being wasteful, accepting bags that I don’t need, bags that are just going to end up in a landfill choking pelicans. You know that even though I am going to say yes, yes I would like a bag, you understand that I am not a bag person. I’m a concerned citizen of the planet who, because of some complicated circumstances, is forced, today, in a unique, very unique situation, to accept your gracious offer of a bag to put my things in.
Paper bags are better anyway. We all know that. They aren’t as bad as plastic bags because they’re made out of paper and not plastic. They don’t get added to Bag-Bag, either. Paper bags go into Brown Baggie. Brown Baggie is better too. She’s fun because since she’s made out of paper, Tree and I decorated her with magic marker and she has this big crooked smile and I always like seeing her when I go into the pantry to fill her up with more paper bags.
Actually, now that I’m looking at it? Could you double bag please? Thanks!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
UPDATE- The Complainist vs. Christmas
It has been a full month since the complainist completed its great work: an exegesis of Fifty Shades of Grey, the most popular novel in the history of Kindle.
We are happy to report that, since completing the first draft of this great work here on the internets, we have edited it into a lean, precise 200 page manuscript and are pursuing literary agents who might care to represent this book. Just kidding! That hasn't happened at all. It has only happened in a sort of imaginary way, although I still hold out hope that I may get my act together enough to ride EL's coattails all the way to some sort of pity-project book deal. You never know!
Ana Steele's adventures will continue on Christmas Day, when Chapter 1 of whatever the next book is called will be posted here for your reading pleasure / displeasure. Why? Simple: I must face the fact that I have nothing to offer the world besides the quality of my own scorn. When a person has but a single talent, it is ungrateful not to put it to good use.
Until then, it is December, and I am at war against Christmas, as I am every December. The War on Christmas is not new. Please note this oft-overlooked section of The Communist Manifesto by Marx and Engels:
You are horrified at our intending to do away with Christmas. But in your existing society, Christmas is already done away with for nine-tenths of the population; its existence for the few is solely due to its non-existence in the hands of those nine-tenths. You reproach us, therefore, with intending to do away with a holiday, the necessary condition for whose existence is the non-existence of any holiday for the immense majority of society. In one word, you reproach us with intending to do away with your Christmas. Precisely so; that is just what we intend.
Controversial words! Controversial, but important to keep in mind this holiday season.
But this year, the War on Christmas faces a particularly nasty adversary: former small-time politician / hockey enthusiast Sarah Palin.
Official copy reprinted below:
Happy holidays, Sarah Palin!
We are happy to report that, since completing the first draft of this great work here on the internets, we have edited it into a lean, precise 200 page manuscript and are pursuing literary agents who might care to represent this book. Just kidding! That hasn't happened at all. It has only happened in a sort of imaginary way, although I still hold out hope that I may get my act together enough to ride EL's coattails all the way to some sort of pity-project book deal. You never know!
Ana Steele's adventures will continue on Christmas Day, when Chapter 1 of whatever the next book is called will be posted here for your reading pleasure / displeasure. Why? Simple: I must face the fact that I have nothing to offer the world besides the quality of my own scorn. When a person has but a single talent, it is ungrateful not to put it to good use.
Until then, it is December, and I am at war against Christmas, as I am every December. The War on Christmas is not new. Please note this oft-overlooked section of The Communist Manifesto by Marx and Engels:
You are horrified at our intending to do away with Christmas. But in your existing society, Christmas is already done away with for nine-tenths of the population; its existence for the few is solely due to its non-existence in the hands of those nine-tenths. You reproach us, therefore, with intending to do away with a holiday, the necessary condition for whose existence is the non-existence of any holiday for the immense majority of society. In one word, you reproach us with intending to do away with your Christmas. Precisely so; that is just what we intend.
Controversial words! Controversial, but important to keep in mind this holiday season.
But this year, the War on Christmas faces a particularly nasty adversary: former small-time politician / hockey enthusiast Sarah Palin.
Official copy reprinted below:
In her New York Times bestsellers Going Rogue and America by Heart,Sarah Palin revealed the strong Christian faith that has guided her life and family. In Good Tidings and Great Joy she calls for bringing back the freedom to express the Christian values of the season. She asserts the importance of preserving Jesus Christ in Christmas—in public displays, school concerts, pageants, and our expressions to one another other—and laments the over-commercialization and homogenization of Christmas in today's society.
Interwoven throughout are personal memories and family traditions, as well as more than a dozen family photos, which illustrate the reasons why the celebration of Jesus Christ's nativity is the centerpiece of her faith. Palin believes it is imperative that we stand up for our beliefs before the element of faith in a glorious and traditional holiday like Christmas is marginalized and ignored. She also encourages readers to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our religious convictions and ignore the politically correct Scrooges seeking to take Christ out of Christmas. Good Tidings and Great Joy is a call to action to openly celebrate the joys of Christianity, and say Merry Christmas to one another.
That's right, folks! In order to fight the over-commercialization and homogenization, Sarah Palin is selling a book for money and encouraging us all to all celebrate Christmas the same way she does. This makes basically as much sense as any American politician / right-wing semi-pundit ever makes, so good on ya, I guess.
But here is what I'm saying to you:
It is not enough to secularize Christmas. Rather, we must attack it from the roots! In the words of the great Alfred Jarry, "We shall not have succeeded in demolishing everything unless we demolish the ruins as well."
Correct!
But the biggest joke in all of this is that Christmas is the absolute most popular thing in the world, and everyone basically loves it, and if we stopped spending billions of dollars every December on PlayStations or whatever the economy would probably collapse and and so our love of Christmas is probably all that's standing between us and some kind of post-apocalyptic hellscape. The best we can hope for, then, in this war on Christmas, are moral victories, and also if we can make some people mad by saying "holidays" instead of "Christmas," I say, good!
Here is the part in this post where I was going to invite you to steal a copy of Palin's book from your drugstore or whatever, and then send it to me so that I could make sure that those of us in the anti-Christmas movement could thwart her attack on her forces. But then I decided it would be poor of me to encourage you to steal books because what if you got in trouble? And what if I told you were to send the copy of the book you stole, and you were able to figure out the location of my Arctic bunker, from which I am conducting forays to learn the exact location of Santa's workshop?
It's all too dangerous. Also, though EL James and Sarah Palin are both terrible writers and deserving targets, I need to branch out, lest I give anyone the impression that I have a particular problem with women who are terrible writers. I want it to be clear that I am hostile to the undeservingly popular in general!
So please: if you care to play along, share with me some of your most-hated Christmas things so that you might fuel the efforts of this great war. Books, movies, so on. The only exception, in my mind, is Die Hard. Now that is a heartwarming Christmas movie. Oh, and A Peanuts Christmas. That's ok.
But the biggest joke in all of this is that Christmas is the absolute most popular thing in the world, and everyone basically loves it, and if we stopped spending billions of dollars every December on PlayStations or whatever the economy would probably collapse and and so our love of Christmas is probably all that's standing between us and some kind of post-apocalyptic hellscape. The best we can hope for, then, in this war on Christmas, are moral victories, and also if we can make some people mad by saying "holidays" instead of "Christmas," I say, good!
Here is the part in this post where I was going to invite you to steal a copy of Palin's book from your drugstore or whatever, and then send it to me so that I could make sure that those of us in the anti-Christmas movement could thwart her attack on her forces. But then I decided it would be poor of me to encourage you to steal books because what if you got in trouble? And what if I told you were to send the copy of the book you stole, and you were able to figure out the location of my Arctic bunker, from which I am conducting forays to learn the exact location of Santa's workshop?
It's all too dangerous. Also, though EL James and Sarah Palin are both terrible writers and deserving targets, I need to branch out, lest I give anyone the impression that I have a particular problem with women who are terrible writers. I want it to be clear that I am hostile to the undeservingly popular in general!
So please: if you care to play along, share with me some of your most-hated Christmas things so that you might fuel the efforts of this great war. Books, movies, so on. The only exception, in my mind, is Die Hard. Now that is a heartwarming Christmas movie. Oh, and A Peanuts Christmas. That's ok.
Happy holidays, Sarah Palin!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 26
Holy crap. . . we made it to the end! My inner MFA student crosses rolls his eyes at me and goes back to reading the newest Lemony Snicket.
tldnr
Ana lets Christian spank her hard and then she dumps him.
Warnings:
The spanking part does actually get pretty rough, but if you're like me, you'll kind of want to read it anyway since it's the immediate lead-up to Ana dumping Christian, which is the best part of the whole terrible book.
So. We did it. We reached the end. We read every chapter, and gave the thing more thought than even the book's own author. And you know--we learned some things. About life. About sex. About ourselves.
Just kidding! This has been a total waste. Well. If you enjoyed reading any part of this, then great. It wasn't a total waste. But still. There are definitely better things I could be doing with myself, right? I kind of feel like there must be. Like, even sleeping. Just getting a little bit of extra sleep every week probably would've noticeably improved my health and happiness over these past months. But let's not get too caught up in that! Let's be so pleased with the fact that we're finally at the end! (Editor's note: Or, in another manner of thinking, 1/3 through the trilogy. But whatever.)
This is still an accomplishment, sort of! I think I'm going to do nanowrimo this November, and now I'm like, boom! Easy. All I have to do is write out a dozen or so single-sentence chapter summaries on Nov. 1 and then crank out a chapter every other day. Boom. Zoom. Simple. I can write five-thousand words about this terrible, terrible book in a single evening. So why can't I write whatever? Maybe I can!
And that's what I was trying to do. Exercise my brain. Get it back into shape a little. So we'll see if I succeeded! And we'll see if anybody deigns to look at this blog between now and when I start posting about Fifty Shades of Grey: The Billionaire Spanks Back. Expect that for Christmas. Doesn't that kind of make sense? You got the whole family, all gathered around. Opening up presents. Talking about the new floggers Santa brought us or whatever. And then, firing up the old mean machine and reading the complainist. That is, to me, the perfect holiday! Merry Christmas, mutterblushers!
Oh right. Let's talk about the last chapter! I mean, if you want to. I already spoilered it but who cares. This blog isn't about the plot! It's about my zingers! Zing!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 25
tldnr
Ana flies back to Seattle and then she has sex with Christian.
Warnings:
They have some sex. Using restraints and sensory deprivation. Whatever. I keep expecting stuff to get crazier, but nope!
OMGLOL NEWS UPDATE
Someone named Jamie Dornan is the new Christian Grey, until he wises up and quits, just like that motorcycle dude did. I have no idea who this is. I haven't seen any of his listed credits on IMDB. Hell--I haven't even heard of any of his credits except for Marie Antoinette and that was basically his first credit so he's probably just a dude that opens up a door and says, "Oh, whuddup, Mary-A!" (I assume that's the sort of line that probably gets said in Marie Antoinette. Whatever.)
I'm basically going to do the same thing I do when following a political race: I immediately think best of the person I know the least about, because I don't have any real basis for hatred yet. So good luck, Jamie! Also: who cares? Also, IMDB offers this particularly useless bit of trivia: "Played a serious level of rugby in his native Ireland." What does that mean? No idea. Is this what his friends said before they staged a rugby intervention? "Jamie, we all love you, but we just need to talk for a moment about your rugby level. It's serious."
But anyway, Jamie, if you are reading this, best of luck! Should you go through with this, 50 Shades will probably make you rich and ruin your career at the same time, as you'll be forever associated with this garbage. (Editor's note: this is also Alden's plan. He's weighed his options, and is happy making this his first and last book. Also, the publishing rights are still for sale. Ahem.)
But where were we? OH YEAH ALMOST FINISHED LOLZ.
The Penultimate Chapter!
Last week I got all sad and moped about how little plot this book's got. Basically none! I do whine about this basically every week, but it's only as we approach the end of this mess that the real "shape" of the "plot" becomes entirely apparent. I mean, I should've figured this out earlier, but only now can we start to reflect back on the earlier chapters and take note of all the possible plot threads that EL James introduces only to abandon:
That's a weird genre of erotica, right?
Ana flies back to Seattle and then she has sex with Christian.
Warnings:
They have some sex. Using restraints and sensory deprivation. Whatever. I keep expecting stuff to get crazier, but nope!
OMGLOL NEWS UPDATE
Someone named Jamie Dornan is the new Christian Grey, until he wises up and quits, just like that motorcycle dude did. I have no idea who this is. I haven't seen any of his listed credits on IMDB. Hell--I haven't even heard of any of his credits except for Marie Antoinette and that was basically his first credit so he's probably just a dude that opens up a door and says, "Oh, whuddup, Mary-A!" (I assume that's the sort of line that probably gets said in Marie Antoinette. Whatever.)
I'm basically going to do the same thing I do when following a political race: I immediately think best of the person I know the least about, because I don't have any real basis for hatred yet. So good luck, Jamie! Also: who cares? Also, IMDB offers this particularly useless bit of trivia: "Played a serious level of rugby in his native Ireland." What does that mean? No idea. Is this what his friends said before they staged a rugby intervention? "Jamie, we all love you, but we just need to talk for a moment about your rugby level. It's serious."
But anyway, Jamie, if you are reading this, best of luck! Should you go through with this, 50 Shades will probably make you rich and ruin your career at the same time, as you'll be forever associated with this garbage. (Editor's note: this is also Alden's plan. He's weighed his options, and is happy making this his first and last book. Also, the publishing rights are still for sale. Ahem.)
But where were we? OH YEAH ALMOST FINISHED LOLZ.
The Penultimate Chapter!
Last week I got all sad and moped about how little plot this book's got. Basically none! I do whine about this basically every week, but it's only as we approach the end of this mess that the real "shape" of the "plot" becomes entirely apparent. I mean, I should've figured this out earlier, but only now can we start to reflect back on the earlier chapters and take note of all the possible plot threads that EL James introduces only to abandon:
- José as secondary love-interest
- Kate as foil for Christian
Not very many! Almost none, actually! But let's do another list of all the little side-ideas that EL made us think were maybe going to go somewhere:
- José's photography show. Was every important at about Chapter 3 but now I don't even know if it's a thing.
- Ana was once upset about CG spending lots of money on her. He's spending more than ever, but we're talking about it less.
- Ana's job search was resolved with absolutely no strain or plot implications.
- It seemed as though there might be some stress related to our heroes meeting each other's families, but these meetings were completely amicable and worry-free once they actually happened.
- CG presented Ana with a pretty complicated list of sex-stuff, but in practice, all he wants is for her to hold still and act like a corpse while they do the deed, so his personal sexual tastes haven't really affected the story nearly as much as his general dickishness.
If EL would've developed either of the two listed (reasonably good!) potential subplots as subplots, maybe I wouldn't be quite so depressed right now! Having José as a sort of "anti-Christian" competing for Ana's affections and having Kate actively trying to chase Christian off would've given Ana something like an actual conflict to resolve. Even better if we were to also see more of Elliot. It's completely weird that Ana and her bff are dating brothers, but why not use it? EL could do far more to paint Elliot and Kate as a sort of happy, alternate-universe version of Ana and CG. She hints at it, but never uses it.
Even if readers split off into "Team Christian" and "Team José" factions we all still probably would've realized that Ana and CG were going to end up together in the end. But that's ok! This is commercial storytelling! It's not like when I go see the Transformers fight the Decepticons I think for even a moment that the Decepticons will win. That's not the point. In this kind of "junk food" entertainment, we're not really wondering how the thing is going to end. We know how it's going to end. What's entertaining is being surprised about the twists and turns the story takes before arriving at its scheduled destination.
Even if readers split off into "Team Christian" and "Team José" factions we all still probably would've realized that Ana and CG were going to end up together in the end. But that's ok! This is commercial storytelling! It's not like when I go see the Transformers fight the Decepticons I think for even a moment that the Decepticons will win. That's not the point. In this kind of "junk food" entertainment, we're not really wondering how the thing is going to end. We know how it's going to end. What's entertaining is being surprised about the twists and turns the story takes before arriving at its scheduled destination.
So how does 50 Shades measure up? Not very well! Let's look at a sort of "default" romance plot, rephrased for more inclusive times: person meets person, person loses person, person does some stuff and gets person back, and also maybe there's a cool montage. To generalize: the romance plot depends upon some kind of external obstacle which keeps apart two people we'd like to see together.
Right? Great. So what happens in this story? They get together immediately, and face no external obstacles. All the potential external obstacles are abandoned, and we just have the fact that CG is a shitty person and Ana is a complete maroon. I've discussed this before, I'm sure, but here I am again: the only thing keeping these two from having a happy relationship is that they're just not right for each other.
So instead of a story that's about some likable characters overcoming obstacles, what we have is some unlikable characters moping around until they decide that maybe they should just stay together because of inertia. Riveting!
Meaning this: This love story is basically the story of every shitty relationship ever, except for the part where the guy is a billionaire and has a specific sexual requirements.
Right? Great. So what happens in this story? They get together immediately, and face no external obstacles. All the potential external obstacles are abandoned, and we just have the fact that CG is a shitty person and Ana is a complete maroon. I've discussed this before, I'm sure, but here I am again: the only thing keeping these two from having a happy relationship is that they're just not right for each other.
So instead of a story that's about some likable characters overcoming obstacles, what we have is some unlikable characters moping around until they decide that maybe they should just stay together because of inertia. Riveting!
Meaning this: This love story is basically the story of every shitty relationship ever, except for the part where the guy is a billionaire and has a specific sexual requirements.
That's a weird genre of erotica, right?
But where were we?
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 24
tldnr
Ana and Christian fly around in a glider.
Warnings:
I'm going to spend a long time right at the top talking more about the sex from the previous chapter. Skip ahead to the jump if you want to miss out on that. Later on, I'm going to spend a lot of time wishing that Ana and Christian would hurry up and have breakfast-sex at IHOP, but that's just wishful thinking on my part. They don't actually do it.
Those of you who read my take on Chapter 23 may be asking the same question I'm asking:
Wait, so this is supposed to be sexy?
It is, right? Isn't that the whole idea? People using the phrase "mommy porn" are all idiots--there's nothing about this mess that suggests that it's aimed at mothers in any way. But, it is decidedly pornographic. Or, if that's too strong a term, it's supposed to be erotic at least, right? Isn't "erotica" just like, porn for snobs?
Here's what I'm stuck on: nothing happened in Chapter 23 at all, like usual. Pretty much it was just about Christian meeting Ana's mom, Carla, and Carla insisting that Ana head upstairs and have sex with CG, despite CG's obvious stalker tendencies.
And then they did have sex. And the first thing about that sex scene that's striking is Ana's absolute dependence on Christian. She's oddly removed from her own body--only enjoying herself when she cedes control to Christian and then takes things one step further, essentially experiencing her own sexuality exclusively through Christian's eyes. You're familiar with the concept of the male gaze? Shorthand for the way that art (visual art most obviously but the idea can be applied more generally) on the whole presumes a male audience--and to go further, a straight, white, male audience. Ana is portrayed in Chapter 23 as essentially needing to adopt this male gaze as her own and use it to perceive herself.
Part of what fascinates me about this terrible book and its popularity is this sort of contradiction. Here we have what is ostensively pornography for women, written by a woman, but a scenario that is completely geared toward a man's experience of sex.
This makes me think Bic's "Cristal" [sic] ballpoint pens. Finally! A pen for women! The listing on Amazon for Cristal is one of those delightful community satire projects that crop up on Amazon from time to time. Most of the reviews are, as you would expect, bitterly sarcastic. And they should be! Because it's just a mutterblushing pen! My understanding is that ladies have managed to write with the same pens as men for quite some time. At least as far back as Title 9, right?
And that's my question with 50 Shades. It's all the same ideas, the same scenarios you'd expect if this thing were aimed at men, instead. There's some pseudoscience that will tell you that men and women's brains are wired differently or have different bumps or whatever and that's why men like porn and women "don't" but it seemed intuitive to me (even pre-50 Shades) that maybe if someone tried to sell porn to women that actually presumed that perhaps women were human beings with opinions and desires, there just might be a market!
50 Shades proves this. . . . sort of. Millions of women have read it! But also EL's portrayal of Ana Steele is endlessly degrading. Ana is a complete doofus. She lacks any agency, any subjectivity. She requires a man's instruction in order to derive any pleasure from the body that she quite literally drags around with her everywhere she goes.
So what I'm saying is, it turns out that it wasn't even necessary to adjust the sexist assumptions of pornography in order to sell a commodity tailored for straight men to straight women. You just have to package it differently, and distribute it through different channels. That's the real difference here, right? 50 Shades found an audience through networks of Twilight fans and through internet fanfic sites and then exploded via Amazon and Kindle. These are not places that straight men are venturing when they're feeling horny, I expect. So maybe that's the lesson. The way to sell porn to women is just to sell it out a different door. Good job, capitalism!
Here's what I'm really trying to figure out, though:
Why was it so important for EL James to stage a sex scene while Ana was menstruating?
The Complainist's resident medical advisor offered, unsolicited, her take:
"Can I offer a lady person's perspective on the last published 50 Shades chapter? Gross. Yeah, mostly gross."
This is reassuring to me in two ways. First, I work from the assumption that men and women aren't nearly as different as our popular entertainments, lazy comedians, and so on would have us believe. But despite this assumption, I do recognize that there's something potentially offensive about a man (me!) heaping such clever insults at a book marketed as entertainment for women. (Editor's note: and here we are excluding EL James herself, whom we actively seek to offend.) There's that chance that someone will try to convince me that I simply don't get it, because I'm a dude. So! I am always particularly reassured when women agree with me. Because some of my best friends are women! I swear!
Second, as readers who know me in real life understand, our resident medical advisor shares my actual residence. And so little would trouble me more than to learn that she found any of this book appealing. You, gentle reader, may have learned some troubling things about me as we've shared this time together, but I have not yet learned anything troubling about anyone else, and I do hope that remains unchanged.
But back to Ana and what is, perhaps, the bloodiest sex scene in popular fiction: why? Why, why, why? What did EL James seek to accomplish in Chapter 23, when she showed us so very much about Ana's uterus?
As I often find when trying to make sense of this dumb book, I can come up with a few plausible answers, but they all seem insufficient, so I don't trust any of them. Here are a few plausible answers, all of which fail under actual scrutiny:
Ana and Christian fly around in a glider.
Warnings:
I'm going to spend a long time right at the top talking more about the sex from the previous chapter. Skip ahead to the jump if you want to miss out on that. Later on, I'm going to spend a lot of time wishing that Ana and Christian would hurry up and have breakfast-sex at IHOP, but that's just wishful thinking on my part. They don't actually do it.
Those of you who read my take on Chapter 23 may be asking the same question I'm asking:
Wait, so this is supposed to be sexy?
It is, right? Isn't that the whole idea? People using the phrase "mommy porn" are all idiots--there's nothing about this mess that suggests that it's aimed at mothers in any way. But, it is decidedly pornographic. Or, if that's too strong a term, it's supposed to be erotic at least, right? Isn't "erotica" just like, porn for snobs?
Here's what I'm stuck on: nothing happened in Chapter 23 at all, like usual. Pretty much it was just about Christian meeting Ana's mom, Carla, and Carla insisting that Ana head upstairs and have sex with CG, despite CG's obvious stalker tendencies.
And then they did have sex. And the first thing about that sex scene that's striking is Ana's absolute dependence on Christian. She's oddly removed from her own body--only enjoying herself when she cedes control to Christian and then takes things one step further, essentially experiencing her own sexuality exclusively through Christian's eyes. You're familiar with the concept of the male gaze? Shorthand for the way that art (visual art most obviously but the idea can be applied more generally) on the whole presumes a male audience--and to go further, a straight, white, male audience. Ana is portrayed in Chapter 23 as essentially needing to adopt this male gaze as her own and use it to perceive herself.
Part of what fascinates me about this terrible book and its popularity is this sort of contradiction. Here we have what is ostensively pornography for women, written by a woman, but a scenario that is completely geared toward a man's experience of sex.
This makes me think Bic's "Cristal" [sic] ballpoint pens. Finally! A pen for women! The listing on Amazon for Cristal is one of those delightful community satire projects that crop up on Amazon from time to time. Most of the reviews are, as you would expect, bitterly sarcastic. And they should be! Because it's just a mutterblushing pen! My understanding is that ladies have managed to write with the same pens as men for quite some time. At least as far back as Title 9, right?
And that's my question with 50 Shades. It's all the same ideas, the same scenarios you'd expect if this thing were aimed at men, instead. There's some pseudoscience that will tell you that men and women's brains are wired differently or have different bumps or whatever and that's why men like porn and women "don't" but it seemed intuitive to me (even pre-50 Shades) that maybe if someone tried to sell porn to women that actually presumed that perhaps women were human beings with opinions and desires, there just might be a market!
50 Shades proves this. . . . sort of. Millions of women have read it! But also EL's portrayal of Ana Steele is endlessly degrading. Ana is a complete doofus. She lacks any agency, any subjectivity. She requires a man's instruction in order to derive any pleasure from the body that she quite literally drags around with her everywhere she goes.
So what I'm saying is, it turns out that it wasn't even necessary to adjust the sexist assumptions of pornography in order to sell a commodity tailored for straight men to straight women. You just have to package it differently, and distribute it through different channels. That's the real difference here, right? 50 Shades found an audience through networks of Twilight fans and through internet fanfic sites and then exploded via Amazon and Kindle. These are not places that straight men are venturing when they're feeling horny, I expect. So maybe that's the lesson. The way to sell porn to women is just to sell it out a different door. Good job, capitalism!
Here's what I'm really trying to figure out, though:
Why was it so important for EL James to stage a sex scene while Ana was menstruating?
The Complainist's resident medical advisor offered, unsolicited, her take:
"Can I offer a lady person's perspective on the last published 50 Shades chapter? Gross. Yeah, mostly gross."
This is reassuring to me in two ways. First, I work from the assumption that men and women aren't nearly as different as our popular entertainments, lazy comedians, and so on would have us believe. But despite this assumption, I do recognize that there's something potentially offensive about a man (me!) heaping such clever insults at a book marketed as entertainment for women. (Editor's note: and here we are excluding EL James herself, whom we actively seek to offend.) There's that chance that someone will try to convince me that I simply don't get it, because I'm a dude. So! I am always particularly reassured when women agree with me. Because some of my best friends are women! I swear!
Second, as readers who know me in real life understand, our resident medical advisor shares my actual residence. And so little would trouble me more than to learn that she found any of this book appealing. You, gentle reader, may have learned some troubling things about me as we've shared this time together, but I have not yet learned anything troubling about anyone else, and I do hope that remains unchanged.
But back to Ana and what is, perhaps, the bloodiest sex scene in popular fiction: why? Why, why, why? What did EL James seek to accomplish in Chapter 23, when she showed us so very much about Ana's uterus?
As I often find when trying to make sense of this dumb book, I can come up with a few plausible answers, but they all seem insufficient, so I don't trust any of them. Here are a few plausible answers, all of which fail under actual scrutiny:
- CG's willingness to do it every single day of the month means that he's particularly generous and considerate of Ana's desires. Interesting theory! It's too bad that it's contradicted by the whole rest of the book, since CG is not at all generous nor considerate. Besides, if he were really being considerate, he could've been like, "Oh, is this an awkward time? Why don't you tell me using words what sort of sex things you'd enjoy doing on this particular night, and we can do those things, and I won't be disappointed if the things on your list don't match up perfectly with the things I'd most like to do myself." You know--instead of acting totally unilaterally. (Side note: this draws attention to just how limited CG's actual sexual repertoire is. He's basically limited to missionary plus restraints. Yawn.)
- EL probably chose to talk about Ana's period because EL is such a stickler for realism. This is a real-life thing, so shouldn't it be part of this very realistic novel? It is true that EL does often overwhelm with pointless details that any other writer would skip, but come on. The pointless details are not because EL wants to be realistic. They're a result of EL's writing process, which mostly involves treading water in between arguments or sex scenes. Plus, the sex was already the least realistic part of the book.
- The fact that Ana's on her period makes the scene extra sexy for the reader! This isn't true, is it? I'm pretty sure this isn't true. At least, that wasn't my experience, nor the experience of my medical advisor, but I suppose your opinion could vary? Seriously though: go ahead. Tell me if you think this is anything but the worst! You can even do it anonymously! I don't care! But don't lie to me. Only post anonymously that you enjoyed it if you did. I don't need a bunch of trolls, trolls!
- This is just more vampire shit, right? I guess this is most likely. The whole scene was just some vampire bullshit that got left over from a previous draft in which Christian was literally a vampire. Which, in a way, makes it worse, right?
Seriously, though--if anybody wants to explain to me how any of this is hot, I promise to listen! Because it would be way more fun to read this mess if I found any of it hot.
But where were we?
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 23
tldnr
Christian meets Ana's mom and then Ana and Christian have sex in Christian's hotel room.
Warnings:
There will be blood.
(Editor's note, Monday, 7:47PDT: Alden is once again, behind schedule. We told him to take the week off, but he called us "mutterblushers" and threw a bottle at us. So, despite our suggestion, and the advice of his doctors, Alden decided to power through and complete this essay in a single evening, fueled only by a cocktail of cocktails and his own rage. The decreasing quality that you will doubtless detect as you approach the end of this essay is due to the author's inebriation and the lateness of the hour. Enjoy!)
Right! Starting this off completely sober (Editor's note: Well, basically sober. One beer, so far.) but with no idea at all what actually happens in this chapter. It used to be that I'd read through the chapter, then go through it a second time while taking notes. This is probably why my earlier summaries were more coherent. But let's be real: I've got senior-itis. I'm about to graduate from this dumb book and I've already been accepted at my backup college, so we're working kind of fast and loose here. Whatever. I'm still probably putting in more effort than the author of the original source material.
One note from last week:
I made a whole thing out of this particular sentence: "And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning." I received a consultation from The Complainist's house medical expert (a real doctor!) who noted that those starting a birth-control regimen are sometimes advised to start said regimen when their period starts. The reason for this is simple: that way, you know you weren't pregnant when you started your prescription.
My version, to be fair, was funnier. But this does get at a deeper issue. Ana mentions taking a pill in Chapter 22. She was prescribed her pill in Chapter 18. That feels like forever ago! But, in fact, it was basically one weekend! Chapters 18-20 all take place during a single obnoxious day. Chapter 21 is the day after that. And Chapter 22 is the day after Chapter 21. So to me, it felt like Ana had been on the pill for ages but now that I look at it more carefully, she was only written a prescription a couple days ago and omigod this book is so slow. It's almost unbelievable how little is happening in this thing.
And now, for a bunch more nothing!
Christian meets Ana's mom and then Ana and Christian have sex in Christian's hotel room.
Warnings:
There will be blood.
(Editor's note, Monday, 7:47PDT: Alden is once again, behind schedule. We told him to take the week off, but he called us "mutterblushers" and threw a bottle at us. So, despite our suggestion, and the advice of his doctors, Alden decided to power through and complete this essay in a single evening, fueled only by a cocktail of cocktails and his own rage. The decreasing quality that you will doubtless detect as you approach the end of this essay is due to the author's inebriation and the lateness of the hour. Enjoy!)
Right! Starting this off completely sober (Editor's note: Well, basically sober. One beer, so far.) but with no idea at all what actually happens in this chapter. It used to be that I'd read through the chapter, then go through it a second time while taking notes. This is probably why my earlier summaries were more coherent. But let's be real: I've got senior-itis. I'm about to graduate from this dumb book and I've already been accepted at my backup college, so we're working kind of fast and loose here. Whatever. I'm still probably putting in more effort than the author of the original source material.
One note from last week:
I made a whole thing out of this particular sentence: "And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill in the morning." I received a consultation from The Complainist's house medical expert (a real doctor!) who noted that those starting a birth-control regimen are sometimes advised to start said regimen when their period starts. The reason for this is simple: that way, you know you weren't pregnant when you started your prescription.
My version, to be fair, was funnier. But this does get at a deeper issue. Ana mentions taking a pill in Chapter 22. She was prescribed her pill in Chapter 18. That feels like forever ago! But, in fact, it was basically one weekend! Chapters 18-20 all take place during a single obnoxious day. Chapter 21 is the day after that. And Chapter 22 is the day after Chapter 21. So to me, it felt like Ana had been on the pill for ages but now that I look at it more carefully, she was only written a prescription a couple days ago and omigod this book is so slow. It's almost unbelievable how little is happening in this thing.
And now, for a bunch more nothing!
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