50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 2 part 2

There are several things I think you should know about my life right now.

1.  I just spilled an extraordinary amount of latte on myself. I can’t explain it. One second I was taking a dainty, sophisticated sip of latte and the next, I was doing my best to mop up milk and coffee with a handkerchief and silently cursing this fancy-pants cafe. 
2. The script on the baked goods was real complicated so I accidentally spent five bucks on something called a Luchador Cake and I ordered it because Luchadors are great, not because I’m some kind of jerk who spends five bucks on cake. 
3. The cake is pretty good tho. 
4. I am, at the moment, too angry to ask for the wifi password so I’m typing this offline like a caveman, so that I can load it into Blogger later.
5. I have finished Draft 2 of my opus, Fifty Clichés of Grey: a Fifty Shades Readers Guide and it’s wonderful and I think we can all agree that it is exactly what your local bookstore needs, so go ahead and start lobbying for it now because I think that’s how these things work.

Where were we? Somewhere. Oh right. 

Our story thus far:

Ana is a naive college student who dated a billionaire for a couple weeks but broke things off with him because he spanked her too hard. 

1.  Ana starts her new job at a publishing company and agrees to let Christian give her a ride to José’s art show. It turns out they both miss each other or whatever.
2.  Part 1: Ana and Christian eat steaks at a restaurant and then drive back from Portland to Seattle. They rekindle their “romance” and Christian says that they won’t have to have rules anymore and he won’t punish Ana.

And now, here we are, with just a few loose ends to tie up before we part ways with Chapter 2. 

Ana falls asleep in CG’s car and when she wakes up, we’re outside her apartment in Seattle. I wish she took these power naps more frequently. Gives me a nice little break from her nonsense. 

Ana’s reactions are typically indicative of her passive relationship with CG. 

"No. We're nearly at your place."

Oh? "We're not going to yours?"

"No."

I sit up and gaze at him. "Why not?"

"Because you have work tomorrow."

"Oh." I pout.

He smirks at me. "Why, did you have something in mind?"

I flush. "Well, maybe."

He chuckles. "Anastasia, I am not going to touch you again, not until you beg me to."

"What!"

"So that you'll start communicating with me. Next time we make love, you're going to have to tell me exactly what you want in fine detail."

"Oh." He shifts me off his lap as Taylor pulls up outside my apartment. Christian climbs out and holds the car door open for me.

"I have something for you." He moves to the back of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out a large gift-wrapped box. What the hell is this?

"Open it when you get inside."

"You're not coming in?"

"No, Anastasia."

Fun, right? I get that Ana doesn’t want to share with Christian exactly what she has in mind, but she sees no reason to share any thoughts with us, either. And, as always, CG is completely in charge. And how gross is that line about Ana telling CG exactly what she wants in “fine detail”? Can you even imagine what a drag that’s going to be? “Put your impressive length down there, so I can feel it in my low, low belly.” Ugh. Terrifying. I hope she sleeps through that sequence too, just like this car ride.

I also like her reaction to CG handing her a present. “What the hell is this?” Hey, Ana! Are you familiar with this phenomenon? Sometimes, people will obscure the identity of a gift by wrapping it in some kind of festive paper, so as to build anticipation while the recipient opens it. It does not surprise me that Ana is confused by the idea of a gesture meant exclusively to build anticipation. 

I’m particularly annoyed by that last part--”You’re not coming in?” Would be a pretty sensible moment to let us know what Ana is thinking. I mean, I’m pretty confident she wants to join CG in the bone-zone but c’mon. The main thing that a first-person point of view has got going for it is the ease with which the author can share with us the protagonist’s perspective. Instead, all we get are Ana’s weird nonsense surprises. A gift? From my billionaire boyfriend who’s always buying me expensive gifts? What a perplexing gesture!

They arrange to see each other again the next night and I can’t wait! I’m so very, very excited! Aren’t you? Probably, right? Right. Ana mentions that she’ll be getting drinks after work with her boss, and of course CG is super jelly. In fact, the whole “drinks after work” thing is not nearly as weird as it seemed when introduced by Ana’s boss, Jack, in the previous chapter. He made it sound like a date; when it actually happens, it’s much more of a “people getting drinks after work” thing and not weird at all. But of course when Ana tells CG about it, it’s as though she’s confessing that she’s taken a lover during their time apart. 

"My boss wants me to go for a drink with him tomorrow."

Christian's face hardens. "Does he, now?" His voice is laced with latent menace.

"To celebrate my first week," I add quickly.

Latent menace, y’all! Well. At least he isn’t breaking with tradition in the slightest! Fun. 

Pretty soon Ana gets into her fancy apartment and investigates her gift. Mostly it’s just CG returning her expensive shit that she gave back to him when they broke up. Computer. Blackberry. But here’s one of my absolute favorite (read: most hated) paragraphs in the whole thing: 

Opening the case, I find an iPad. Holy shit... an iPad. A white card is resting on the screen with a message written in Christian's handwriting: Holy cow. I have a Christian Grey mix-tape in the guise of a high-end iPad. I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it. Jack at the office has one, so I know how they work.

On the one hand, the iPad makes more sense that the computer of the Blackberry. He should’ve bought it for her in the beginning. So, whatever. Cheap in comparison to the computer. But wait. Did CG write Ana a note that says “Holy cow”? Because that would actually be kind of cute. But I fear it’s just more of EL being bad at writing. I expect that there’s some other note. Maybe a song list? Because the “mix-tape” part makes absolutely no sense. 

Also, iPads are not hard to work. But once again, EL can’t just let Ana know a thing. She has to have a reason for know a thing. And the reason has to be some education provided for her by a man, because that’s how it works in this book. Men know things and women can sometimes learn things from men. Gross.

The iPad is terribly exciting to Ana because she’s a real doofus and whatever. 

I switch it on and gasp as the wallpaper image appears: a small model glider. Oh my.

It's the Blanik L23 I gave him, mounted on a glass stand and sitting on what I think is Christian's desk at his office. I gape at it.

He built it! He really did build it. I remember now he mentioned it in the note with the flowers. I'm reeling, and I know in that instant that he's put a great deal of thought into this gift.

A great deal of thought? Eh. Maybe. More like six hundred bucks and five minutes of thought but whatever. 

There are a bunch of photos loaded in as well which of course is super-duper exciting and must’ve taken CG easily two minutes so that’s fun as well.

Holy shit! The British Library? I touch the icon and a menu appears: Historical collection. Scrolling down, I select novels of tHe 18tH and 19tH century. Another menu. I tap on a title: The AmericAn by Henry James. A new window opens, offering me a scanned copy of the book to read. Holy crap - it's an early edition, published in 1879, and it's on my iPad! He's bought me the British Library at a touch of a button.

My favorite part is this British Library app. I don’t care to discover whether or not this is a real thing. Let’s say that it is. Tell me: how would you feel about reading a scanned, 1879 edition of a novel instead of just reading the thing in Kindle or iBooks or whatever? Exactly--that sounds tedious and terrible. Also old-ass novels are free, and if this app exists, it probably costs actual money. Probably costs actual money to do the same thing in a way more annoying fashion, so I can see why Christian was drawn to it. Totally makes sense.

I’m going to go ahead and share with you a pretty long chunk. Ana checks out the music pre-loaded onto her iPad. (Editor’s note: what do you think she’ll call it? I mean, not the mean machine. That’s taken. So what, then? Guesses?) And this part is so, so terrible. It’s a pretty dense dump of information, and it’s mainly absolute nonsense, but it’s also hilariously revealing. 

I go back to the main screen, hit the iPod icon and a playlist appears. I scroll through the songs, and the list makes me smile. Thomas Tallis - I'm not going to forget that in a hurry. I heard it twice, after all, while he flogged and fucked me. "Witchcraft." My grin gets wider - dancing round the great room. The Bach Marcello piece -  oh no, that's way too sad for my mood right now. Hmm. Jeff Buckley -  yeah, I've heard of him. Snow Patrol - my favorite band - and a song called "Principles of Lust" by Enigma. How Christian. I smirk. Another called "Possession"... oh yes, very Fifty Shades.

And a few more I have never heard.

Selecting a song that catches my eye, I press play. It's called "Try" by Nellie Furtado.

She starts to sing, and her voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me. I lie down on my bed.

Does this mean Christian's going to try? Try this new relationship? I drink in the lyrics, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand his turnaround. He missed me. I missed him. He must have some feelings for me. He must. This iPad, these songs, these apps - he cares. He really cares. My heart swells with hope.

The song ends and tears spring to my eyes. I quickly scroll to another - "The Scientist"

by Coldplay - one of Kate's favorite bands. I know the track, but I've never really listened to the lyrics before. I close my eyes and let the words wash over and through me.

My tears start to flow. I can't stem them. If this isn't an apology, what is it? Oh, Christian. Or is this an invitation? Will he answer my questions? Am I reading too much into this?

It’s comical how happy this makes Ana. This is just another rich-guy present, but somehow, the tiniest bit of personalization is enough to make it seem thoughtful as hell to poor Ana. In the hands of a better writer, I’d think that we were witnessing an author skillfully illustrating Ana’s sad delusions. “Am I reading too much into this?” Yes. Yes you are.

So on the one hand, we have all the songs that were mentioned in the first book. And then we just have the absolute worst easy listening schlock pop-rock. Nellie Furtado, Snow Patrol, and Coldplay is like a grand slam. It’s the perfect grouping of music for somebody to listen to if that person is boring and doesn’t like anything at all in the world.

But even worse is the way EL describes Ana listening to music. Why do this half-assed shit? Am I supposed to go look up the lyrics to “The Scientist” so that I know why they’re washing over Ana or whatever? Because I am absolutely not going to do that. Nope. Well, I might. But only to make fun of her for listening to Coldplay. 

Why can’t Ana be cool?! That’s what I really want to know! It’s like EL read my mind and created two characters custom-made to be annoying to me in every possible way. 

Oh and then Ana turns on her computer so that she can send CG a thank-you email because obvs she couldn't do that on her iPad. Oh wait, she could? Never mind. I think maybe EL thinks that an iPad is just a flat iPod. That seems likely, right? That in EL’s mind, you can only read books and listen to music on iPads? Can’t do music or whatever? I’ll assume that’s true.

This quick thank-you devolves into a succession of six total messages, back and forth. And then Ana switches from her computer back to her iPad. Of course, since it's most likely that CG just bought all this music on the iTunes store, Ana could listen to it on whatever device suits her best, but that kind of maneuver might be just too complicated for those with Ana's lack of technical skill / basic ability to function in the modern world.

As is the case with almost every chapter EL James writes, she ends this one with Ana falling asleep. And it makes sense because you've got to break things up somehow, right? And it isn't like EL can place chapter breaks in a way that serves to break up key moments in the development of the plot, since there is so little plot. Ana and CG have, as of the end of Chapter 2, given us no reason to read on. Everything has wrapped up quite nicely--they've agreed to a punishment-free sex situation, and that was all that Ana really wanted. Am I forgetting anything?

Well, a couple small things. We still have Jack Hyde, Ana's new boss, whom we've been told quite clearly is a villain, despite the fact that EL has not yet shown him doing any villain stuff. So I guess we have to wait around for him to do villain stuff. And also we have the "situation" from the end of the last book. For those not yet initiated, we know very little about the situation, other than the fact that it took place in Seattle, it bothered CG very much, and it involved a woman somehow whom CG's goons were trying to keep track of. So maybe we'll learn some more about these two elements.

Doesn't say much for this thing as a trilogy though, does it? We have this primary conflict between Ana and Christian that's basically resolved. And the secondary conflicts, at least so far, have nothing to do with Ana and Christian's relationship. Jack Hyde is just a shitty guy who does villain stuff for his own reasons, we will eventually learn. And the "situation" is really just a skeleton from CG's closet and has very little to do with Ana, as we will also eventually learn.

But, I suppose we can keep reading, on account of EL's scintillating prose. 

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 2 part 1

tldnr
Ana and Christian eat steaks and drive from Portland to Seattle

The problem with preparing a post for publication Friday is that now, it's Tuesday again, and I'm behind. It is possible that I should have taken a longer break between books, because this books is terrible and difficult to bear. I hope that you appreciate the depth of my sacrifice. However, the only way you could truly understand what I'm going through would be to read this thing yourself, and I do not wish that on anyone. Not even my worst enemy, EL James, who also has never read this book. Yes. You read that correctly. I maintain that EL James has not read her own books. I think she just types without really reading what's going on and then someone gives her a check for a billion dollars.

We rejoin our heroes in a restaurant, where Christian Grey is being a real prick. After leaving José's art show and making out for thirty seconds, they hurry off to the nearest restaurant which is of course romantic and perfect and also CG hates it because he hates everything. He even hates those things literally conjured up specifically to match his singular tastes, like this anonymous restaurant.

"This place will have to do," Christian grumbles. "We don't have much time."

CG is in a real hurry. Why? Don't know. All his scheduling was completely arbitrary; he has given no indication that he needs to be anywhere in particular. I guess he doesn't want to make his various drivers or helicopter pilots wait around? Possible. But I doubt that's the issue. What's the point of having a dedicated driver chauffeur you around all the time if you can't make the dude wait for you on occasion? 

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 1, part 2

Well, happy new year! To both of us. I'm still reeling from a recent day in which I only had nine hits. Nine hits! In an entire day! Twenty-four hours! That's a pretty long time for nine hits. Bored spam robots usually pass by at least a dozen times, so nine is quite nearly without precedent. C'mon guys. Help me out here. Read this dumb thing that I'm spending all my time writing all the time.

So, we'll try a little experiment. I'm contemplating more posts, only shorter, so here we have the second part of Chapter 1. It's ready. You're ready. Why keep it form you? No reason. So here it is.

tldnr
Ana and Christian go to José's photography show, which has lots of photos of Ana. Then Ana and Christian make out in an alley. 

When we left, Ana and CG, who totally aren't technically back together yet but who are totally back together already, were just landing in Portland via helicopter to visit José's photography show because it's no big deal to Ana that José kinda sorta kinda assaulted Ana kinda way back in the early chapters of the first book.

50 Shades Shadier: Chapter 1, part 1

tldnr

Even though they're totally not dating anymore, Christian flies Ana in his helicopter to Portland so that she can attend José's photography exhibit. Ana and Christian are both sad. Ana has forgotten to eat food.  

Let us end 2013 the way we started it: absorbing the worst of pop culture, complaining about it, and then finding even worse stuff to complain about. 

I don't really know why I am drawn to such terrible things. Maybe I have some weird self-esteem thing? Do I think that I'm not good enough for good books? Maybe!

I do think that there's something intriguing about the simultaneously terrible and popular, though. When I read an excellent book, I feel a little bit like I know the author. Even a well-written piece of fiction can feel deeply revealing about its creator. But a book like Shadier? Doesn't tell me much about EL James. Tells me that she's bad at writing, doesn't think very highly of women, and is probably a foot fetishist. (Editor's note: see every sex scene in Fifty Shades of Grey for the foot thing. Or, better yet, don't, and just believe us.) Mostly, reading these books lets me know about the gaps in EL's knowledge. But I don't feel like I really know anything about her. 

But mustn't it say something about us that these books are so popular? I'm using the word "us" broadly. But c'mon! Lotta people bought these things! And read them! What this says about us I'm not sure. But maybe if I get to the end I'll figure it out? (Editor's note: that's what he said when he started the last book, but no such luck.) 

But let's catch up with Anastasia Steele, shall we?

Merry Christmas, Mutterblushers! Fifty Shades Darker: Prologue

That's right! As promised: The Complainist returns, just in time for Christmas, with the continuing adventures of Ana, Christian, and the worst romance in the history of literature. Hurray!

Our first entry will be an abbreviated one for two reasons. 1) 50 Shades Darker starts with a brief prologue rather than Chapter 1 so this week, we'll just be covering the prologue. 2) Darker is longer than the first book, but has fewer chapters, meaning that getting through a full chapter and the prologue in one go is a real chore. 3) I haven't done Christmas very well, dear readers. And as a result, not only did I fail to accomplish half the things I had planned pre-Xmas, I didn't finish covering all of Chapter 1 in time. So Chapter 1 will be your New Year's Eve present next Tuesday. For Christmas, we'll start with a reminder about where we left things with Ana and Christian, muse about Darker for a bit, and discuss the prologue. And then you can go back to watching bowl games and putting your new train sets together and that sort of thing. You know. Christmas stuff.

But what's that, you say? You've forgotten all about the plot of 50 Shades of Grey and so you need me to run through a quick summary before we get started?

Great. Here's everything that happens in Fifty Shades of Grey:
Ana is a naive college student who dated a billionaire for a couple weeks but broke things off with him because he spanked her too hard. 

It's kind of nuts how easy it is to summarize the first book, right? I didn't leave out anything important. You could even start following now, with the second book, even if you didn't read Fifty Shades of Grey or my hilarious insult-version of Fifty Shades of Grey. (Editor's note: Fifty Shades of Cliché. What do you think? Is that anything? Hm? Help me out here.) This is not to say that you shouldn't read my hilarious insult-version. Please do! But if you haven't, don't worry. Nothing really happens in the first book, so you'll have no trouble catching up.  

Speaking of summaries: Lemony Snicket is a wonderful writer and everyone should read everything he ever writes. In the first A Series of Unfortunate Events prequels, Who Could That Be At This Hour, a character gives this quite spectacular summary of a famous novel: "A bunch of elves and things get into a huge war over a piece of jewelry that everybody wants but nobody can wear."

Spectacular! I personally think that there is a lot to enjoy in that famous novel about elves and jewelry, so in that case, I'd rather read the whole thing. When it comes to EL James, though, the summary is better, because it's shorter. And that is why I'm here to summarize it for you. I already did the first entire book so you wouldn't have to! I quite literally wrote an entire book about a book! That's the sort of treatment that's usually reserved for actual scholars writing about actual books that are good. As in, there are plenty of books in which scholars carefully dissect the works of Virginia Woolf or William Faulkner or whoever. Not a lot of careful dissections of pop-erotica, so don't say I never did anything for you! I wrote you a whole book!

And now, the sequel! Just in time for Christmas! (Editor's note: Merry Christmas.)

The Complainist Fiction: Bag-Bag

No, I don’t need a bag. This really isn’t that much stuff. I mean, I have two hands! I can probably carry my stuff with just my hands! That’s what hands are for, right? 

Wait, is it a small bag? 

A small, paper bag? 

Oh, with handles? Oh. 

Now, normally I would say “no.” Definitely “no.” Because, you know, it’s about the environment. That’s where we live, right? I usually am like, a real bag-reusing wizard. I’ve got this bag that I stuff full of other bags. I call it my bag-bag. The kids are always reminding me--Mom! Get some bags from the bag-bag. And when we see someone in front of us at the grocery store, using a lot of plastic bags, we say, Oh, that’s a lot of bags to put in Bag-Bag. And then we went from that to this idea that Bag-Bag would get a belly ache because of all the bags. And from there, it was a pretty short jump before Bag-Bag became a sort of character. A person in our lives. We’d see litter or something, and be like, Oh, that would make Bag-Bag sad. Bag-Bag sort of became our environmental conscience. We’d say, What would Bag-Bag do? Should we drive, or take the car? Well, how would Bag-Bag get to the store? I’m thirsty. Can I get a bottle of water? Well, what would Bag-Bag say about a bottle of water? Don't you think Bag-Bag would rather you wait and drink water at our house so you don’t need a bottle? Bottles of water make Bag-Bag sad.

So usually I would never take a bag ever. Never dream of asking for a bag. You offered me one, so yeah, I’m thinking about it now. I’m thinking about maybe letting you give me a bag, since it has your logo and everything on it and it’s made out of paper and it’s recyclable but I would absolutely never ask for a bag. Besides it probably has your name on it, so I’d be doing you a favor, carrying it around, advertising right?

Oh, yes. It’s a nice-looking bag. Not one of those obnoxious, plastic “thank you” bags that are all crinkly and thin and make you look like you just bought dinner at 7-11 or something. Those bags are the worst. That kind of bag I would definitely refuse. That’s the kind of bag that we crunch down all small and hide in Bag-Bag and pretty much never use again because it’s embarrassing to bring something like that to Whole Foods where everyone has their own canvas bag or recycled bag or something.

I’ve never told anyone about this, about Bag-Bag. But the saddest thing was when there was that crazy oil spill in Florida and down there. The BP one. My youngest, Tree, she was worried about the pelicans and the alligators and everything. But more than anything else, she was worried about Bag-Bag. Isn’t that kind of sweet and weird? She took Bag-Bag to the couch with her, like this sack of bags was a person. Or, I guess, more like a teddy bear. And she talked to it and watched TV. And she’d be so sad at dinner time after watching the news all day. She’d be so glum about the oil spill, and she’d say, Can I eat my dinner with Bag-Bag? What could I say? She was my little environmentalist warrioress and I had to say yes. Had to let her eat dinner with Bag-Bag.

Then, though, she moved him into her room. There I go now! I just called Bag-Bag “him” like he was a person! But the sack of bags was for a specific purpose. To keep bags handy, so that when I need one for shopping or whatever, or for putting a new bag in the little trash bin in the bathroom or wherever. So that I can say, “No thanks! I brought a bag.” Which I usually do do. I usually bring a bag. A bag from Bag-Bag.

So Bag-Bag is not a toy. Bag-Bag is a receptacle. Bag-Bag is a tool for keeping me from having to spend so long talking to you about bags! You don’t need this conversation. You don’t need my whole life story! But here I am, talking to you about Bag-Bag, and all because Tree keeps moving Bag-Bag!

So everyone’s at school. The kids are at school. I need to go shopping. So I need my bags. I need some shopping bags. So I’m going into Tree’s room. Now, I respect my children’s privacy. They’re human beings. They’ve got their rights. But I go in and there’s Bag-Bag. Right in the bed. Under the blanket. The bed is made, more or less, and there’s this bag stuffed with bags and it’s peeking out of the covers. I mean, in the sense that a plastic bag without a face can “peek.” I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but it was kind of disturbing.

Kids get home. Tree runs to her room. Comes back. Says, “Where’d you take Bag-Bag? He was having his rest time.” And I say, well, I needed Bag-Bag because I needed bags for my shopping. That’s the whole point of Bag-Bag. Keepings bags ready for when I need to buy groceries. So we have food to eat. So Tree says, Bag-Bag is my friend. We don’t use our friends. We don’t pull the insides out of our friends.

What am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to say to Tree about bags and Bag-Bag when she gets like that? Hopeless. You try to teach your children these lessons. About the environment. About friendship. And then we hit this impasse. So, I skipped it. I said, fine. Take Bag-Bag. Take your friend Bag-Bag, and I’ll just get all new bags. And won’t that make Bag-Bag sad? Tough!

So you understand where I’m coming from, I’m sure. You get me. You understand that I’m not going around, being wasteful, accepting bags that I don’t need, bags that are just going to end up in a landfill choking pelicans. You know that even though I am going to say yes, yes I would like a bag, you understand that I am not a bag person. I’m a concerned citizen of the planet who, because of some complicated circumstances, is forced, today, in a unique, very unique situation, to accept your gracious offer of a bag to put my things in.

Paper bags are better anyway. We all know that. They aren’t as bad as plastic bags because they’re made out of paper and not plastic.  They don’t get added to Bag-Bag, either. Paper bags go into Brown Baggie. Brown Baggie is better too. She’s fun because since she’s made out of paper, Tree and I decorated her with magic marker and she has this big crooked smile and I always like seeing her when I go into the pantry to fill her up with more paper bags. 

Actually, now that I’m looking at it? Could you double bag please? Thanks!

UPDATE- The Complainist vs. Christmas

It has been a full month since the complainist completed its great work: an exegesis of Fifty Shades of Grey, the most popular novel in the history of Kindle.

We are happy to report that, since completing the first draft of this great work here on the internets, we have edited it into a lean, precise 200 page manuscript and are pursuing literary agents who might care to represent this book. Just kidding! That hasn't happened at all. It has only happened in a sort of imaginary way, although I still hold out hope that I may get my act together enough to ride EL's coattails all the way to some sort of pity-project book deal. You never know!

Ana Steele's adventures will continue on Christmas Day, when Chapter 1 of whatever the next book is called will be posted here for your reading pleasure / displeasure. Why? Simple: I must face the fact that I have nothing to offer the world besides the quality of my own scorn. When a person has but a single talent, it is ungrateful not to put it to good use.

Until then, it is December, and I am at war against Christmas, as I am every December. The War on Christmas is not new. Please note this oft-overlooked section of The Communist Manifesto by Marx and Engels:

You are horrified at our intending to do away with Christmas. But in your existing society, Christmas is already done away with for nine-tenths of the population; its existence for the few is solely due to its non-existence in the hands of those nine-tenths. You reproach us, therefore, with intending to do away with a holiday, the necessary condition for whose existence is the non-existence of any holiday for the immense majority of society. In one word, you reproach us with intending to do away with your Christmas. Precisely so; that is just what we intend.

Controversial words! Controversial, but important to keep in mind this holiday season.

But this year, the War on Christmas faces a particularly nasty adversary: former small-time politician / hockey enthusiast Sarah Palin. 

Official copy reprinted below: 

In her New York Times bestsellers Going Rogue and America by Heart,Sarah Palin revealed the strong Christian faith that has guided her life and family. In Good Tidings and Great Joy she calls for bringing back the freedom to express the Christian values of the season. She asserts the importance of preserving Jesus Christ in Christmas—in public displays, school concerts, pageants, and our expressions to one another other—and laments the over-commercialization and homogenization of Christmas in today's society.

Interwoven throughout are personal memories and family traditions, as well as more than a dozen family photos, which illustrate the reasons why the celebration of Jesus Christ's nativity is the centerpiece of her faith. Palin believes it is imperative that we stand up for our beliefs before the element of faith in a glorious and traditional holiday like Christmas is marginalized and ignored. She also encourages readers to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our religious convictions and ignore the politically correct Scrooges seeking to take Christ out of Christmas. Good Tidings and Great Joy is a call to action to openly celebrate the joys of Christianity, and say Merry Christmas to one another.

That's right, folks! In order to fight the over-commercialization and homogenization, Sarah Palin is selling a book for money and encouraging us all to all celebrate Christmas the same way she does. This makes basically as much sense as any American politician / right-wing semi-pundit ever makes, so good on ya, I guess. 

But here is what I'm saying to you: 

It is not enough to secularize Christmas. Rather, we must attack it from the roots! In the words of the great Alfred Jarry, "We shall not have succeeded in demolishing everything unless we demolish the ruins as well."

Correct!

But the biggest joke in all of this is that Christmas is the absolute most popular thing in the world, and everyone basically loves it, and if we stopped spending billions of dollars every December on PlayStations or whatever the economy would probably collapse and and so our love of Christmas is probably all that's standing between us and some kind of post-apocalyptic hellscape. The best we can hope for, then, in this war on Christmas, are moral victories, and also if we can make some people mad by saying "holidays" instead of "Christmas," I say, good!

Here is the part in this post where I was going to invite you to steal a copy of Palin's book from your drugstore or whatever, and then send it to me so that I could make sure that those of us in the anti-Christmas movement could thwart her attack on her forces. But then I decided it would be poor of me to encourage you to steal books because what if you got in trouble? And what if I told you were to send the copy of the book you stole, and you were able to figure out the location of my Arctic bunker, from which I am conducting forays to learn the exact location of Santa's workshop? 

It's all too dangerous. Also, though EL James and Sarah Palin are both terrible writers and deserving targets, I need to branch out, lest I give anyone the impression that I have a particular problem with women who are terrible writers. I want it to be clear that I am hostile to the undeservingly popular in general! 

So please: if you care to play along, share with me some of your most-hated Christmas things so that you might fuel the efforts of this great war. Books, movies, so on. The only exception, in my mind, is Die Hard. Now that is a heartwarming Christmas movie. Oh, and A Peanuts Christmas. That's ok. 

Happy holidays, Sarah Palin!