50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 22

tldnr
Ana flies to Georgia and then Christian flies to Georgia.

Warnings:
Christian does the stalker-type stuff that he always does.

I declared in the beginning of 2013 that I was going to spend too much money on stereo equipment and write a book. I have, effectively, accomplished both of these goals (Editor's note: "predictions" might be more fair here.) although not quite in the manner I expected. You see, I have basically written an entire book about Fifty Shades of Grey.

In total, I've written about 125,000 words about this dumb book. Has anyone written more about it, by volume? I don't know. I mean, probably, but I only say that because I just seem an unlikely person to have written the most criticism about 50 Shades. I have no evidence. I'm sure that there are plenty of people who've written a million words or more of 50 Shades fanfic, and I see from a quick check of Amazon that there are a number of digital-only parody versions and a surprising number of tangentially related cookbooks. But I don't see anything like a readers' guide, which I guess I'm kind of working on in my own bitter way.

Now all I have to do is convince some risk-taking publisher that the inevitable movie-backlash is going to make my brand of snark a lucrative investment. This thing is probably worth hundreds of dozens of dollars, right? I'm assuming that the price of the paperback version of this book (Editor's note: the only print version.) will be ten dollars, and that it will sell more than 200 copies.

I'll also clean it up a bit, make it a little less bloggy, and not mention as often how much I'm drinking while doing this. Or maybe that's what people want? Even more cocktail recipes? Not sure! But in any case, that's what I'll be up to in a couple weeks when our heroes have concluded the first third of their adventures: trying to get in on some of that sweet, sweet, 50 Shades cheddar.

But first! A trip to Georgia!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Catching up before the final 5 chapters

The following is a special note for anyone just joining us. Sure, we'd love it if you started from the beginning, but you can also just start here! If you're lazy! We understand lazy! You merely adopted laziness. We were born in it, molded by it, so we know where you're coming from. Start here! And follow along as we speed along to the unthrilling conclusion of Fifty Shades of Grey.

This is it, Complainers! (Editor's note: that's a cool collective term for anybody who's ever read this blog, right? Complainers? No?) Just five chapters separate us from the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, the inexplicably popular novel we've been insulting in surgical detail.

One might even say robo-surgical detail!

Many of you have been with us since the beginning, and we thank you. Still more have checked in now and then, and we thank you, too, but we can't help but wonder quite why you skipped 15.2, for instance. (Editor's note: We know you skipped 15.2. Everyone skipped 15.2.) 

But still others may have heard about our little project and said, "Wow this seems fun, but since I wasn't on board from the beginning, jumping in now would be akin to leaping into the DC Universe, and by that I mean jumping in at some point other than one of their frequent reboots!"

Never fear! This special update is for you! These are some extra notes to help you join us as we count down to the ridiculous conclusion of this ridiculous book. This is going to be kind of like that time I had a housemate who was way into Sex in the City and and I watched the last five episodes with her and was all like, "Oh, snap! Turns out Baryshnikov is a real jerk! I feel so invested!" (Editor's note: this will totally make sense to you if you're a huge Sex in the City fan like we are.) That's all you need--a real "fan" to sit on the couch with you for these last few outings, and then you'll have no trouble following all the novel's nuances as we rocket toward its stunning conclusion.

First thing to note is that there are no nuances. Just one uninteresting conflict, attacked again and again in essentially the same ways: Recent college grad Ana Steele has a billionaire boyfriend named Christian Grey who's possessive, cold, demanding, mercurial, and terrifying. But, he's super good at sex, so maybe Ana should stay with him after all?

That's basically the whole story. Author EL James uses two sorts of scenes throughout the novel: 1) jerk scenes which show us how much of a jerk Christian is, and 2) sex scenes which show us how good he is at sex.

The unfortunate thing about this book is that EL is far more convincing in the jerk scenes than in the sex scenes. As in, yes, EL is utterly successful in making me hate CG (Editor's note: We use a lot of shortcuts here. Because lazy.) when that's her plan, but terrible at making me feel like he's got redeeming qualities and terrible at making me think that he's sexy. He seems just as unpleasant in the bedroom as he seems anywhere else.

About the sex: yes, they have a bunch of sex. You probably know that this book features not just sex, but a particular sort of sex. You know--kinky sex. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not very interested in having kinky sex, but if someone wants to write about it a way that sounds compelling, I have no qualms about reading.

EL does not make it sound compelling, however. Instead, she makes it sound pretty much boring, and also? Not even that kinky. Early on, Christian gives Ana this whole long list of stuff that she's to do and not do in order to fulfill her part of their mutual BDSM relationship. The list is super-detailed, and mostly names stuff that Ana must not do. It also has a list of sex-stuff that CG wants Ana to agree to do. It's presented in blandly clinical detail, but it's still Christian's sexual wish list, and it's lengthy.

It makes the reader expect that some complicated stuff is going to go down, but the reader's expectations are proved false. Christian and Ana have basically regular sex, aside from the fact that Ana is basically forbidden from ever moving (sometimes restraints are involved, sometimes not) and sometimes gets spanked. Ana enjoys herself, which is great for her, but this reader finds the scenes dull. Maybe you will find this sort of thing interesting, but to me, the power dynamics of their relationship makes the sex less sexy, not more.

In essence, it feels to me like EL James is borrowing some of the trappings of BDSM culture, but none of the content. She's taking a relationship that is borderline abusive, but using the jargon of BDSM to make it sound like what Ana and CG have is something novel, when instead, they have something completely mundane: a relationship where one party calls all the shots and the other party is mainly miserable but is offered just enough affection at just the right time to consider it worth sticking around for another day. Fun, right!?

Also, nothing ever happens in this book. It's just a lot of Ana worrying about whether or not things are working well between her and Christian (they aren't!) and then the two of them having sex. Occasionally, other people are brought in, but they only appear to give further expression to this central, boring conflict. For instance, Ana's roommate Kate shows up periodically to tell Ana that her relationship is shitty, but Ana never listens.

Kate is the only person we might call a secondary character. Everyone else is tertiary at best. There's José, a guy who likes Ana, but he's just in the background so that Christian has someone to be jealous of for no reason. There's also Elliot, Christian's brother, who is also Kate's boyfriend. While it is super weird that these two brothers are dating roommates, no one ever comments on how weird this is. This is true of a lot of the super weird things that happen in this book all the time.

A lot of this weirdness is due to the fact that, when she wrote the book, the author (who is English) had never been to Seattle, where her novel is set. I'm sure that thousands of Americans have written novels set in London despite never having been, so I can't be too upset. But I am surprised by just how poor a job EL does of making her characters seem American. Isn't American culture totally inescapable? Don't we push it all over the globe and make it nearly impossible for anyone, particularly in the English-speaking world, to not know exactly what's going on in American pop culture?

I guess the answer is "no," much to my surprise. EL James is proof that you can live in England and find Americans totally baffling, because no one in this book sounds American. I'm not saying that they sound British because I lack that expertise. But they don't sound like Americans. It's one of the factors that makes dialogue almost impossible to trudge through.

Right. So if you're jumping in now, don't worry that you've missed out on any plot, because you haven't missed any plot at all, since there isn't any. The only thing that might interest you at all is know that, at the end of Chapter 21, Ana made her way to the airport to get some time apart from Christian at her mother's house in Georgia.

Some things happened, sure, but none that matter to your understanding of the end of the book. It would be wrong to call this book "episodic" because that implies lots of little plots, the way that a TV show is "episodic." This has no small plots and no big plots. Just a bunch of tension due to the fact that CG is a terrible boyfriend and often seems like he just might murder Ana or, at the very least, lock her in a dungeon. (Editor's note: his condo does have a sex dungeons, so you never know!) There's tension, and every once in a while it gets resolved temporarily because Ana generally has a nice time when they have sex with each other, which allows for a period of calm between them. But then that calm leaves us, and the exact same tension returns.

So please, jump in next week! No reason not to worry that you won't understand what's going on. Basically nothing ever goes on, and in many cases, having actually read the book isn't very useful as preparation anyway, since the actual events tend to be so ridiculous. And if you enjoy some of these final chapters, please to go back and revisit some of the earlier entries. *


*I think the first few are probably the funniest, because each subsequent chapter makes me more jaded, miserable, and less capable of being hilarious. Hence the diminishing returns. 

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 21

tldnr:
Ana has an interview for an internship with a publishing company and then she goes to the airport.

Warnings:
This chapter is heroically dull. 

Ugh even I didn't think the notes on that last chapter were very entertaining, and nobody likes my jokes more than I do. So if I didn't thoroughly enjoy myself, the rest of you had little hope. At least we'll get to learn this week whether or not Ana will manage to buy a ticket to Georgia on the same day that she flies. Oh! And maybe we'll come to learn why she lives in Seattle and her mom lives in Georgia. See? This could be better! We could really get somewhere this week! I'm feeling optimistic!

Wait! I just remembered that 50 Shades wine is a thing and now I'm sad again. One great thing about writing these essays is that now my friends have made me a sort of clearing house for all 50 Shades news and non-news. This is fun for me keep it up not even being sarcastic! Or maybe I am and can't tell the difference anymore because reading this book has alienated me from genuine human emotions!

Either way, you want to know about EL's wine, right? Great! Figured you would! Allow the LA Times to catch you up to speed. I'll wait!

Back? Great! I think it only appropriate that this terrible wine designed to cash in on the fame of a terrible book gets a terrible article. First, the headline: "'Fifty Shades of Grey' wines now available -- handcuffs not included." Heehee. It's funny because Christian is always using handcuffs on Ana! (Editor's note: so far, Ana has not once worn handcuffs.)

But wait! There's more! 

"If you'll actually admit to reading any of the 'Fifty Shades of Grey' novels, and don't pretend you've never heard of them, you know wine plays a large part in the book. For one thing, the characters are always drinking it."

Wine plays a pretty trivial role in this book. Or, maybe I just drink so much trying to get through this that I no longer can tell what's a normal amount of wine to drink? This is possible. The only particular wine thing I can think of is that one part where Christian spits wine into Ana's mouth and now I kind of think that anyone who drinks this stuff should have to have it spat into their mouth. 

Oh but I'll write a thorough review if you send me a bottle. Also now I'm amusing myself by imagining someone ordering it at a restaurant. "Now I don't see it on the wine list here, but, um, might you have a bottle of 2009 Fifty Shades of Grey Red Satin?" he murmured dryly. 

That "2009" part was not a typo. The red is advertised as having been vinted in 2009, two years before Ana and Christian met. What foresight! The website for the wine almost makes it sound like they want me to think that EL had something to do with this other than cashing a check. "I’ve always had a penchant for good wine, so combining two of my passions to blend Red Satin and White Silk was a natural extension of the Fifty Shades trilogy." 

You see? This is totally natural! In fact it's weird that it took this long for this bad idea to finally happen. But seriously--by advertising this stuff as a 2009, they're at least showing some decency. I would've assumed that this wine was some undrinkable garbage found in an abandoned tank somewhere (what my winemaking father would refer to as "otter water" which is a hilarious thing to call bad wine!) but by letting me know that this was made in 2009, I now know that this wine is some undrinkable garbage found in an abandoned tank somewhere. 

(Editor's note: EL, if you send us a bottle, we'll put up a post with the title "Just Kidding!" and the body of the post will just be, "This book is great! This blog is elaborate satire!" What I'm saying, EL, is that writing this blog is driving us steadily toward insanity / alcoholism, and so we're constantly desperate for drinks so hook us up!)

Well. That's enough procrastination! On to Chapter 21! 

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 20

tldnr
Ana and Christian have boathouse sex and then go home for mild spanking and bed sex and then we get a pretty uninteresting revelation about Christian's past.

Warnings:
There is a bunch of sex but it isn't as gross as the end of Chapter 19 hinted it would be. 

Here we are! Chapter 20! The home stretch, I guess! Well. The home stretch of the first book, at least. Chapter 19 somehow managed to inspire my best-ever day of traffic, and my previous forays into non-50 Shades posts have made it clear that you only like me when riding EL's coattails. The combination of these two facts means that I'll eventually get to books 2 and 3, though I think I've earned a bit of a break and will not move immediately from this book to whatever the next one is called. I think it's Fifty Shades Into Darkness but I forget. Anyway- if you have any suggestions for things I ought to mock pointlessly (since that's my only real skill) do let me know. I would like to add some sort of non-EL project into the mix to serve as a break between books.

And thank you for telling your friends to read my little blog. You must have done so; I long ago gave up trying to do much of anything to add readers.

A dear friend let me know that there are, in fact, certain people who do not want to read my analysis. I share her story below, so that we might all learn from it. (Editor's note: she also mentioned that a security guard was fired from her workplace for watching pornography from his station, but I think that was more of an anecdote than a warning.)

And I learned another lesson about 20 minutes ago. Don't be stupid and forget that you are at St. Bernard Parish Hospital and that means the people here are a certain way. So when you see someone reading something on a kindle, dont get all excited cuz you were dumb and forgot where you worked CUZ BOOKS and then happily nose into their beeswax asking what they are reading cuz you love to know what people are reading cuz OBVIOUSLY they are reading fucking 50 Shades for the 2nd time cuz this is st bernard and they sold that book at the counter of Main's Grocery store, the ONLY BOOK EVER to be sold at that counter.  And stemming from that same lesson in not forgetting where you work, DO NOT THEN TELL THAT PERSON who is reading 50 Shades FOR THE SECOND TIME that your friend is writing a blog where he breaks down all of the ways in which that book is terrible. Because it is a dumb fucking thing to say, you idiot, cuz when a person reads in this parish, it is a BFD, and to read a thing TWICE is a VBFD, and mocking that thing makes that other person's face turn red as they make a face at you that clearly states you are an asshole and the conversation is over.

You guys have heard of St. Bernard Parish, right? The place next to New Orleans where they found brain-eating amoebas in the water supply? No? Well they did! But anyway, lesson learned. You know, I'm effectively reading this book twice, so I guess I can't really complain about anyone else reading it twice, either. So I'll save my worst insults for anyone who reads it three times. Or enjoys it once. 

Moving on!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 19

tldnr
Ana and Christian eat dinner at Christian's family mansion.

Warnings:
Nothing real bad happens in this chapter, but its final moments suggest that some real bad stuff might go down next chapter. 

Hey so I watched Pacific Rim starring Charlie Hunnam, whom you will eventually know as "cinema's Christian Grey" and now I think he's fine for the job. He's still kind of too scruffy, but I'm sure Hollywood can descruff him or whatever, so I'll just assume that he cleans up ok and will look good in pants that hang "in that way" whatever that means. What changed my mind is the reminder about one of his tendencies as an actor, both in Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy, is to deliver what's supposed to be earnest wisdom in a way that just sounds patronizing and dumb. I can already imagine him telling Ana how beautiful and smart she is or whatever. Based on his previous work, he'll deliver the declaration like he's talking to a six-year-old who just got home after a hard day at school, which is more or less Christian Grey's style. So forgive me for doubting you, Charlie Hunnam. And forgive me, gentle reader, for acting like any of this matters at all. It does not.

Is this a still from Pacific Rim or a weird sex thing? I'll never tell!

This is my way of saying that, yes, EL, I am willing to do a quick punch-up on your script. You know where to find me. My fee? We'll work it out. Probably just a gift card or something.

Moving on! Let's meet the parents!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 18

TLDNR
Ana has an appointment with a gynecologist at Christian's house. She's prescribed birth control, and then Ana and Christian have sex-dungeon sex.

Warnings:
May contain sex-dungeon sex. 

We're getting close to the end, you know. I typed that, and then I looked down at my book and saw that Chapter 18 opens on page 314, meaning that we have 200 pages left, meaning that we're at about the 60% mark, meaning that we're not close enough to the end. I wish we were closer.

This project is some sort of awkward middle ground between writing and not writing. I basically haven't written anything besides this in 2013. Barely read anything besides this terrible book, either. I tell myself that there is an ebb and flow to this work but it's been all ebb for a long time. My problem is that I really only have the patience for writing jokes, I'm pretty sure. So what do you do if all you want to do is write jokes? Hang out on twitter? I guess. Hang out on twitter or make easy jokes about a terrible book. Hooray!

As a bit of a warm-up for this week's chapter, let's see if we can figure out how to cut the first 17 chapters into something more manageable. Let's think like an editor!

50 Shades of the Complainist: Chapter 17

TLDNR:
Ana and Kate move to Seattle, then Ana goes to Christian's house. 

Warnings:
This chapter is a waste of everyone's time. 

OMG BREAKING NEWS!
EL announced some cast details for a dumb movie about her dumb book that I'll end up going to see probably because literally several people are counting on me to deal with this shit so that they never ever have to. (Editor's note: We'll put up some type of sponsorship deal where you can sponsor our ticket or all the booze we'll have to drink ahead of time to make it through two hours of Ana blushing. Because we're not paying for this thing ourselves. We're just not.)

ANYWAYS!
Ana and Christian are going to be played by Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam in a film to be released in 2014, directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson. You may have seen Dakota Johnson in The Social Network, but I didn't because who cares. You will not know Sam Taylor-Johnson from anywhere. You may have seen Charlie Hunnam in lots of thing, but the only one to leave any impression on me is Sons of Anarchy. Here's my main impression: "This guy is great at playing a greasy motorcycle guy!" Here's an impression I never got from him: "He seems like a billionaire British vampire!" Although he was born in England, it turns out, so maybe he'll be ok? Whatever. For me, and all "true" "fans" of this mess, there can be but one Christian Grey, and his name is Sherlock Holmes Khan Julian Assange Benedict Cumberbatch. Whatever. I'm angry at myself for actually having an opinion about this, and I kind of do have an opinion about this! What's wrong with me? (Editor's note: Let's assume that was rhetorical.)

How about a little game!